Thursday, February 7, 2013

I know my mind, do you know yours?

My whole life, I've been told how to feel, what to think, and how horrible of a human being I am. Such actions made me feel so much like a freak of nature that I gave up believing that I could be anything wonderful to anyone.

When I became a mother to Trinity, I was told, I wasn't ready to love a baby. I was told I couldn't possibly know how to care for anything so small. I wasn't smart enough.

When I wanted another child, I was told no because I can't love. I'm not good enough to the first one. My children would grow to hate me. Nothing good will come of having anymore.

When I married I was told that I could never do right by him. I'm too horrible. I'm too different. I like things that aren't normal.

And the on it went and still continues.

The moral of this little tale?

I'm a horrible person who can't love and isn't good enough. Who said this? Me? Nope (though I tend to now because I heard it so much)

People who said and say they know because they just do. I don't know, how could I possibly know what I'm thinking or feeling? That's what they're there for.

Well, this year I've declared 2013 the year of De! So don't tell me what I know or don't. I'll tell you what I feel.

I'm not a horrible person. I do know how to love those that deserve it and I'm sure as hell good enough. I see that when my daughter smiles and thanks me for giving her a better life. When my son plays his cello and the joy pours from the very music he strums. From my baby when he steals my food and grins in my face.

I know who I am. I may not always like what I see, but I know who I am and who I am doesn't concern the haters.


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