I don't care what the cause, I never wish to have my children involved in a court matter if I can help it. And something as simple as a name change? No. Way. But that's just the way the cookie crumbles I guess. So what's the second half?
Letting go of Xavier.
I know, I know, it's been years since I've called Trinity by her biological, birth given name. I don't even think she remembers being Xavier. At all her doctor appointments and her therapy sessions, she is called Trin or Trinity. She and her. Never once do we have issues with pronouns of the name she has chosen for herself. Granted, that name was always apart of the name we gave her.
I want my child to be her in every way. I know this on a logical sense that it is the best for her. For all of us really. But the emotional aspect still claws at my heart. And I begin to question, what if I make a mistake. What if she goes back to living as Xavier and hates me? Not that I think that is even a possibility.
It's just that denial of letting go of the child I gave birth to and embracing the beautiful little girl she's grown to be. It's hard. Does it mean I don't love her? Nah. I'm just a silly mom who wants her cake and to eat it too. With a side of cookies and a vanilla milkshake. Of course, at the end of that, I'll end up with a big bout of tummy problems and sad disappointment that I let my child down.
She's counting on me to let her be her. Which I have to a point. But what I realize is that the legal changing of her name from Xavier Trinity Skeye to Trinity Xavier Skeye is the beginning of the real journey. Because after that, the medical aspect starts.
Today at Trinity's therapy session, I was discussing this and how I feared what would happen if the judge expected her to speak on behalf of why she wanted the name change. I didn't think she was paying us much mind as her back was to us. Then suddenly, from her mouth, even while playing with the therapist's nicknacks,
"I would tell the judge it's because I'm a girl and I like the name Trinity."
And just like that, she went back to lining up the trinkets in a row. But it was from that simple statement, that nonchalant response, that I gained a true insight. Trinity will always be Trinity and has been Trinity since the moment of her conception. That light brightened through my dark doubt that I could let go of Xavier. Because in that one little line, I learned that I didn't have Xavier to grasp onto in the first place.
So this cute little 1 day bundle...
And this super posing cuteness.....
Was, is, and will always be....
Now to just figure out how to come up with everything else to finally get that done.
So if you, my readers or anyone else can help, please donate. Every little bit counts. Let's get Trinity to finally be seen as her true name in the eyes of the law!
Remember, what's in a name? Some would say power. Others would say respect. But for a 9 year old little girl who loves dolls and life and Nintendo, it's about being whole in body, mind, and soul.