Thursday, January 24, 2013

Who are we? Why a crazy bunch of loonies

No not really.

Well maybe a little.

But who wants anything else?

Many years ago (or so it seems) I became the mother of a daughter. One who wasn't born my daughter, but fate gifted her to me nonetheless. I received many questions, but the most common asked was

"What kind of person would allow this?"

There were and are still so many ways I could answer this, so I'll make it simple.

The kind of person who'd open herself and hold on to hope blindly? Why, she be me!

But who am I? For that question, one would have to understand the rest of my family.


 Hyperion


This is my youngest.

At 2 years old, he's all personality and shrieking screams. He needs me a lot and though that can wear me out, I love every second because I know soon, he'll not. 

He has a few sensory issue tendencies, just like his brother and sister, but he never lets that get him down an when it comes to a kid with such a powerful name?

Well, Hyperion Justyce Rayne takes the cake and then some!






Lucien


My second born and insanely brilliant, my son has the brightest smiles. And behind that? A sensitive soul. Musically inclined, playing an instrument is one the only ways to combats his severe ADHD.

He also has Sensory Processing Disorder, but instead of being tactile defensive, my little cellist is a "Seeker". To be honest, I tend to have more behavioral problems with Lu and will get mad more often, but he always knows how to bring it around and make us all smile.





 Trinity


We already know why my oldest and beautiful daughter is so special. But really, there are many other things about her.

Like my other two, she was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder and is tactile defensive. As my first, she helped me already understand by the time the others came along. My stepping stone so to speak.

Later finding out her feelings on gender led to another new discover of how little I knew about raising children. Life is never a straight path. Hell, it's not even windy. Then came what we face now.

Austism.

Granted, this isn't anything new. It was mentioned during her IEP meetings when she did go to the specialized learning center for her speech delays and sensory issues. It was mentioned by the pediatrician and even her neurologist. I just wasn't ready to admit there was "one more issue" I had to deal with, but now, I'm learning.

Does that make her any less of an amazing little gift? Not. At. All.

So yeah, that seems like I've got a boatload of crazy pants going on. And that's just in my three children. I didn't mention family, husband, etc. Because honestly, if I looked at it, I'd probably drop my jaw.

It can be somewhat overwhelming but again, I wouldn't change a thing. Okay, well, maybe I'd change my need to withdraw inside myself and hide my problems instead of trying to talk them out with those that care about me. Or maybe stop trying to dump it on those that really don't care.

(I'm working on figuring out who matters and who don't. You know, all those years of childhood crap)

But in the end of it all, I'm me.

DeShanna.

And these three looney blessings were gifted to me.

So who would allow this?

 Life did.

Because life knew that only I could do it.

With a pair of kick ass pumps and a smile. 


Sunday, January 20, 2013

Perfection is for wimps!

When I was a teen, I vowed to never have children. What good what it do for a child to have me as a mother, I wondered. Then I got a little older and I decided kids wouldn't be so bad, but dammit, don't give me a daughter! Selfish? No, just immature thinking.

Next came Trinity as Xavier and that was fun. Then Lucien. My two prides and joys. Sadly, I never expected that my life would go down a path of confusion, courage, and unconditional acceptance of reality.

Yes, my oldest child is transgender, not a very common thing in our world I'm sure. But she is and that's fine with us. But...when we told people, friends and family, in the beginning of the transition the comments were "you let your child dictate like that?" or "Of course this would happen in your life, Shauna".

Those statements bothered and still do bother me. My life, while being quite complicated, is also very real. And it's not always easy, instead because of the lack of support I've received, has lead me to feel unworthy of anyone's love and help.

My path has been difficult. From growing up with the abuse I suffered, having a transgender child, both children with disabilities, and just dealing. Well, it's no cake walk.

I often wish I could have the perfect life. I've wondered what that would be like but now I know, it's boring.

As outlandish my life tends to be, I embrace it. I don't have time for perfection. I'm far too stubborn and strong for that.

Perfection is for wimps! Trials are for the awesome!

I'm one tough cookie!

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

What's in a name?

I've mentioned before how we'd be getting Trinity's name finally legalized, but honestly...it's hard. One part is the financial aspect of it. Paying the fee for the courts, paying the fees to have it advertised in the paper once a week for three weeks. Not to mention the fact that they may ask Trinity to tell the judge WHY she wants her name changed. Talk about yikes for not only a 9 year old child but also the parents of said child.

I don't care what the cause, I never wish to have my children involved in a court matter if I can help it. And something as simple as a name change? No. Way. But that's just the way the cookie crumbles I guess. So what's the second half?

Letting go of Xavier.

I know, I know, it's been years since I've called Trinity by her biological, birth given name. I don't even think she remembers being Xavier. At all her doctor appointments and her therapy sessions, she is called Trin or Trinity. She and her. Never once do we have issues with pronouns of the name she has chosen for herself. Granted, that name was always apart of the name we gave her.

I want my child to be her in every way. I know this on a logical sense that it is the best for her. For all of us really. But the emotional aspect still claws at my heart. And I begin to question, what if I make a mistake. What if she goes back to living as Xavier and hates me? Not that I think that is even a possibility.

It's just that denial of letting go of the child I gave birth to and embracing the beautiful little girl she's grown to be. It's hard. Does it mean I don't love her? Nah. I'm just a silly mom who wants her cake and to eat it too. With a side of cookies and a vanilla milkshake. Of course, at the end of that, I'll end up with a big bout of tummy problems and sad disappointment that I let my child down.

She's counting on me to let her be her. Which I have to a point. But what I realize is that the legal changing of her name from Xavier Trinity Skeye to Trinity Xavier Skeye is the beginning of the real journey. Because after that, the medical aspect starts.

Today at Trinity's therapy session, I was discussing this and how I feared what would happen if the judge expected her to speak on behalf of why she wanted the name change. I didn't think she was paying us much mind as her back was to us. Then suddenly, from her mouth, even while playing with the therapist's nicknacks,

"I would tell the judge it's because I'm a girl and I like the name Trinity."

And just like that, she went back to lining up the trinkets in a row. But it was from that simple statement, that nonchalant response, that I gained a true insight. Trinity will always be Trinity and has been Trinity since the moment of her conception. That light brightened through my dark doubt that I could let go of Xavier. Because in that one little line, I learned that I didn't have Xavier to grasp onto in the first place.


So this cute little 1 day bundle...



And this super posing cuteness.....






Was, is, and will always be....


Trinity!!


Now to just figure out how to come up with everything else to finally get that done. 

So if you, my readers or anyone else can help, please donate. Every little bit counts. Let's get Trinity to finally be seen as her true name in the eyes of the law! 

Remember, what's in a name? Some would say power. Others would say respect. But for a 9 year old little girl who loves dolls and life and Nintendo, it's about being whole in body, mind, and soul. 

Thursday, January 10, 2013

A resolution for us all: No more "what did I do?" to keep me from rising up

It has been a while since I've written and I usually like to let my readers know that means nothing negative has happened to my child and our family. Of course, a new year has begun and many of us came up with our resolutions.

Some probably chose weight loss or living a happier, healthier lifestyle. Any resolution is a good one if it's meant to bring you peace and harmony. That's what they're for, right? So for mine, I had to pause before I came up with an idea.

My New Year's Resolution?

No more "What did I do?".

For a long time, even before everything started with Trinity's social transition I always questioned every little problem that came up with my children with the classic "What did I do during pregnancy?" or "What did I do the day before?"

These questions then lead me to doubt myself as a parent which hurts my ability to well...parent.

No more will I let that keep me from taking the right path to keeping a positive light in the lives of my family, my children. That's my resolution for this year and the many to come.

I plan on watching my two boys grow into wonderful young men, and my brave little daughter becoming an even more stunning young lady.