Sunday, August 18, 2013

Getting to Boston...Can you help?

Trinity is growing before my eyes. It's amazing, wonderful, and downright scary all at the same time. She'll be hitting the double digits this October, the big 1-0. And while that comes with watching a new phase in her life begin, it's also bringing us a step closer to starting medical treatments to help her grow into a beautiful and happy young woman.

Give her a bright future.

But there are steps we have to take before any of that can happen for her. Which is why I'm reaching out to my readers, friends, whoever, to help us.

Times are tough for us all, this I understand, but I'm doing this alone now and I only want the best for all my children. Most of all, Trinity who's bravery shows no bounds.

Her endocrinologist here, is willing to aid us in this journey, but she will be his first transgender patient that's a child. He wants to do this the right way and would love to have guidance from Dr. Spack, lead pediatric endocrinologist in Boston who broke through the misguidance of many and has helped many transgender children.

Obviously, we don't live in Boston, but we need to see him and getting there won't be easy or cheap. For this dream to happen, I'm begging for any help. Just a little. I want to make this happen for Trinity more than anything. And time is growing short for her. Her endo believes that by the time she's 11, we'll have to start the testosterone blockers. A year can go by faster than we all know.

Please, read this, help if you can and share it with advocates. There is a donate button to her own special account.

Trinity, her brothers and I thank you for even taking the time to read the journey.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

The winds of change are a-comin'!

Today was Trinity's first of many endocrinology appointment at the Children's Hospital. Before this, I was told that our local children's hospital wouldn't help in regard to her transition so we weren't expecting too much. So today, meeting with the doctor, I was pleasantly surprised by what he had to say.

This doctor had gone to several conferences that had leading pediatric endocrinologist Dr. Speck speaking and was touched by the stories and statistics so much that when he met us, he decided to help us anyway he could.

Trinity, when the time is right, will have the help she needs. Get the medication she needs and the life she needs to grow up as she desires. We couldn't be luckier that's for sure!

Maybe this is a sign of the changing times? If so, I'm so glad to be part of it to watch not only my daughter, but many in her situation be given everything that they want and more!

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

When did convenience replace parenting?

"I'm just too tired to deal with this anymore!"

We've heard it from parents. Heck, I know I've said it from time to time. I work really hard now not to, however, because, it's rude. It's hurtful, and it's untrue. At least it should be. That single statement says that, as a parent, you have given up on doing what's right by your child and decided to focus more on what works for you.

It's a call for convenience in your life and if the child in question threatens that? Well then, time to wash your hands and screw them over. Is that fair to the one person that depends on you to love and protect them? To guide them in the right direction so that they can grow into confident adults? Of course not! So when you spout those words or something similar, you're telling them, their childish ways are totally cramping your style.

I see this more and more these days. Parents wanting expecting more from those who don't know much other than what they've been taught to keep up with their lifestyle. Only to then get all huffy when said child surpasses them out of no longer trusting that parent and becoming unruly, disrespectful, pains in the tush!

Yeah, maybe parts of the media creates the newest generations of monsters we have in this world today, but so does how we respond to our offspring.

I try to look from the other side, the child's side to better understand and I know if someone I loved, like my husband for example, told me that he didn't want to deal with me because my lack of understanding the world of comic books were too embarrassing, I'd feel crushed. Not good enough for him. How do you think a child would feel? And we know that children always believe everything is their fault to begin with. Why add to that emotion?

photo credit: Pirata Larios via photopin cc

That's not a face we should ever be the cause of.

Look, I could have easily put an end to Trinity's journey from the get go. I had people ask me why I'd allow such a thing. Wasn't I worried what others would think? If I gave myself the care about what people were going to think and deny my child happiness, then that would have been me forsaking my vow as a parent to her for my own comfort. My own convenience. Anyone who does that, in my opinion, are just pitiful.

So as you read this, I want you to ask yourself:

1.  What am I or have I done in my journey as a parent that may have been for my own benefit?

2.  Did I try to cover it up and say I'm doing it for my child's well being?

3. Was it necessary for my child to have it done in the first place?

4.  Could it have waited?

5. Was it because I worried about how others would perceive me and/or my child?

6. Does it make my child happy or hinder them as a whole?

Each day I do something involving raising my children, I go through these basic questions and of course, I'll get them wrong sometimes, but I make up for it. Because in the end of the day, I decided that my need for comforts and convenience has no place in loving my children.

photo credit: Lotus Carroll via photopin cc
Yeah, that's the ticket!

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Forever loved. Forever missed.

This is still hard for me to even write, let alone believe but, our family dog, our sweet girl, Reba passed away Sunday morning. She had a tumor spreading so we knew this would be something that was going to happen. Only, we were planning on getting a second opinion that we could save her from the former one stating that she was too old to help.

We couldn't give up on her in such a way, especially if there was a chance to give her a bit longer. However, I learned that life often has other plans for you and Reba knew what she wanted for hers.

On Saturday night, we noticed that Reba seemed hesitant to sleep. She wouldn't leave my side (which was normal for her) but something was off. Right before bed, I stroked her head and smiled at her. I told her we'd see her in the morning and went to bed myself.

Sunday mornings are busy. We are usually in a rush and have to leave before 10. The kids woke up first and came to us to tell us that Reba had had an accident in the living room. We cleaned it up while she just laid on the floor watching us. I went back to finish getting dressed, while my husband took Reba for her morning walk.

We live on the third floor so it's hard on anyone, let alone an old girl like her. A few minutes later, I hear my husband screaming for me and as I walked from the room, I saw him laying her on the floor. She was limp and breathing with shallow breaths. She looked at me and I just knew what she wanted.

Her family there with her as she had been for us.

I called the kids and we all sat around her, petting her. With a little smile, she took her final breath and she was gone.

She was our rescue. We got her when my second born was just over 1 years old.  Reba changed our world and she will be forever in our hearts.

We love you Reba. We'll miss you always.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

I Am Enough!!

Jazz is one of my biggest inspirations for Trinity and her mother shows me that I've done the right thing not only for my transgender child, but all three of my children. From their disabilities to their tantrums, as their mom, I will never stop loving them. Never stop fighting for them.

I AM ENOUGH and I'm sorry for those that feel they can't be. Enjoy this AMAZING and POWERFUL video.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

I know my mind, do you know yours?

My whole life, I've been told how to feel, what to think, and how horrible of a human being I am. Such actions made me feel so much like a freak of nature that I gave up believing that I could be anything wonderful to anyone.

When I became a mother to Trinity, I was told, I wasn't ready to love a baby. I was told I couldn't possibly know how to care for anything so small. I wasn't smart enough.

When I wanted another child, I was told no because I can't love. I'm not good enough to the first one. My children would grow to hate me. Nothing good will come of having anymore.

When I married I was told that I could never do right by him. I'm too horrible. I'm too different. I like things that aren't normal.

And the on it went and still continues.

The moral of this little tale?

I'm a horrible person who can't love and isn't good enough. Who said this? Me? Nope (though I tend to now because I heard it so much)

People who said and say they know because they just do. I don't know, how could I possibly know what I'm thinking or feeling? That's what they're there for.

Well, this year I've declared 2013 the year of De! So don't tell me what I know or don't. I'll tell you what I feel.

I'm not a horrible person. I do know how to love those that deserve it and I'm sure as hell good enough. I see that when my daughter smiles and thanks me for giving her a better life. When my son plays his cello and the joy pours from the very music he strums. From my baby when he steals my food and grins in my face.

I know who I am. I may not always like what I see, but I know who I am and who I am doesn't concern the haters.


Thursday, January 24, 2013

Who are we? Why a crazy bunch of loonies

No not really.

Well maybe a little.

But who wants anything else?

Many years ago (or so it seems) I became the mother of a daughter. One who wasn't born my daughter, but fate gifted her to me nonetheless. I received many questions, but the most common asked was

"What kind of person would allow this?"

There were and are still so many ways I could answer this, so I'll make it simple.

The kind of person who'd open herself and hold on to hope blindly? Why, she be me!

But who am I? For that question, one would have to understand the rest of my family.


 Hyperion


This is my youngest.

At 2 years old, he's all personality and shrieking screams. He needs me a lot and though that can wear me out, I love every second because I know soon, he'll not. 

He has a few sensory issue tendencies, just like his brother and sister, but he never lets that get him down an when it comes to a kid with such a powerful name?

Well, Hyperion Justyce Rayne takes the cake and then some!






Lucien


My second born and insanely brilliant, my son has the brightest smiles. And behind that? A sensitive soul. Musically inclined, playing an instrument is one the only ways to combats his severe ADHD.

He also has Sensory Processing Disorder, but instead of being tactile defensive, my little cellist is a "Seeker". To be honest, I tend to have more behavioral problems with Lu and will get mad more often, but he always knows how to bring it around and make us all smile.





 Trinity


We already know why my oldest and beautiful daughter is so special. But really, there are many other things about her.

Like my other two, she was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder and is tactile defensive. As my first, she helped me already understand by the time the others came along. My stepping stone so to speak.

Later finding out her feelings on gender led to another new discover of how little I knew about raising children. Life is never a straight path. Hell, it's not even windy. Then came what we face now.

Austism.

Granted, this isn't anything new. It was mentioned during her IEP meetings when she did go to the specialized learning center for her speech delays and sensory issues. It was mentioned by the pediatrician and even her neurologist. I just wasn't ready to admit there was "one more issue" I had to deal with, but now, I'm learning.

Does that make her any less of an amazing little gift? Not. At. All.

So yeah, that seems like I've got a boatload of crazy pants going on. And that's just in my three children. I didn't mention family, husband, etc. Because honestly, if I looked at it, I'd probably drop my jaw.

It can be somewhat overwhelming but again, I wouldn't change a thing. Okay, well, maybe I'd change my need to withdraw inside myself and hide my problems instead of trying to talk them out with those that care about me. Or maybe stop trying to dump it on those that really don't care.

(I'm working on figuring out who matters and who don't. You know, all those years of childhood crap)

But in the end of it all, I'm me.

DeShanna.

And these three looney blessings were gifted to me.

So who would allow this?

 Life did.

Because life knew that only I could do it.

With a pair of kick ass pumps and a smile. 


Sunday, January 20, 2013

Perfection is for wimps!

When I was a teen, I vowed to never have children. What good what it do for a child to have me as a mother, I wondered. Then I got a little older and I decided kids wouldn't be so bad, but dammit, don't give me a daughter! Selfish? No, just immature thinking.

Next came Trinity as Xavier and that was fun. Then Lucien. My two prides and joys. Sadly, I never expected that my life would go down a path of confusion, courage, and unconditional acceptance of reality.

Yes, my oldest child is transgender, not a very common thing in our world I'm sure. But she is and that's fine with us. But...when we told people, friends and family, in the beginning of the transition the comments were "you let your child dictate like that?" or "Of course this would happen in your life, Shauna".

Those statements bothered and still do bother me. My life, while being quite complicated, is also very real. And it's not always easy, instead because of the lack of support I've received, has lead me to feel unworthy of anyone's love and help.

My path has been difficult. From growing up with the abuse I suffered, having a transgender child, both children with disabilities, and just dealing. Well, it's no cake walk.

I often wish I could have the perfect life. I've wondered what that would be like but now I know, it's boring.

As outlandish my life tends to be, I embrace it. I don't have time for perfection. I'm far too stubborn and strong for that.

Perfection is for wimps! Trials are for the awesome!

I'm one tough cookie!

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

What's in a name?

I've mentioned before how we'd be getting Trinity's name finally legalized, but honestly...it's hard. One part is the financial aspect of it. Paying the fee for the courts, paying the fees to have it advertised in the paper once a week for three weeks. Not to mention the fact that they may ask Trinity to tell the judge WHY she wants her name changed. Talk about yikes for not only a 9 year old child but also the parents of said child.

I don't care what the cause, I never wish to have my children involved in a court matter if I can help it. And something as simple as a name change? No. Way. But that's just the way the cookie crumbles I guess. So what's the second half?

Letting go of Xavier.

I know, I know, it's been years since I've called Trinity by her biological, birth given name. I don't even think she remembers being Xavier. At all her doctor appointments and her therapy sessions, she is called Trin or Trinity. She and her. Never once do we have issues with pronouns of the name she has chosen for herself. Granted, that name was always apart of the name we gave her.

I want my child to be her in every way. I know this on a logical sense that it is the best for her. For all of us really. But the emotional aspect still claws at my heart. And I begin to question, what if I make a mistake. What if she goes back to living as Xavier and hates me? Not that I think that is even a possibility.

It's just that denial of letting go of the child I gave birth to and embracing the beautiful little girl she's grown to be. It's hard. Does it mean I don't love her? Nah. I'm just a silly mom who wants her cake and to eat it too. With a side of cookies and a vanilla milkshake. Of course, at the end of that, I'll end up with a big bout of tummy problems and sad disappointment that I let my child down.

She's counting on me to let her be her. Which I have to a point. But what I realize is that the legal changing of her name from Xavier Trinity Skeye to Trinity Xavier Skeye is the beginning of the real journey. Because after that, the medical aspect starts.

Today at Trinity's therapy session, I was discussing this and how I feared what would happen if the judge expected her to speak on behalf of why she wanted the name change. I didn't think she was paying us much mind as her back was to us. Then suddenly, from her mouth, even while playing with the therapist's nicknacks,

"I would tell the judge it's because I'm a girl and I like the name Trinity."

And just like that, she went back to lining up the trinkets in a row. But it was from that simple statement, that nonchalant response, that I gained a true insight. Trinity will always be Trinity and has been Trinity since the moment of her conception. That light brightened through my dark doubt that I could let go of Xavier. Because in that one little line, I learned that I didn't have Xavier to grasp onto in the first place.


So this cute little 1 day bundle...



And this super posing cuteness.....






Was, is, and will always be....


Trinity!!


Now to just figure out how to come up with everything else to finally get that done. 

So if you, my readers or anyone else can help, please donate. Every little bit counts. Let's get Trinity to finally be seen as her true name in the eyes of the law! 

Remember, what's in a name? Some would say power. Others would say respect. But for a 9 year old little girl who loves dolls and life and Nintendo, it's about being whole in body, mind, and soul. 

Thursday, January 10, 2013

A resolution for us all: No more "what did I do?" to keep me from rising up

It has been a while since I've written and I usually like to let my readers know that means nothing negative has happened to my child and our family. Of course, a new year has begun and many of us came up with our resolutions.

Some probably chose weight loss or living a happier, healthier lifestyle. Any resolution is a good one if it's meant to bring you peace and harmony. That's what they're for, right? So for mine, I had to pause before I came up with an idea.

My New Year's Resolution?

No more "What did I do?".

For a long time, even before everything started with Trinity's social transition I always questioned every little problem that came up with my children with the classic "What did I do during pregnancy?" or "What did I do the day before?"

These questions then lead me to doubt myself as a parent which hurts my ability to well...parent.

No more will I let that keep me from taking the right path to keeping a positive light in the lives of my family, my children. That's my resolution for this year and the many to come.

I plan on watching my two boys grow into wonderful young men, and my brave little daughter becoming an even more stunning young lady.