Since having children, I've dealt with my fair share of comments and opinions that were less than savory. My children, Lu and Trin have their difficulties. Trust me, I know and I don't have many that I can talk to about them. I don't have the support of a family nor many friends close by (there are a few) that I can reach out to. Because of all that my kids, especially Trinity has been diagnosed with, I realize just how much of a failure I've been. I do try to better myself as a mother and I'll always think I suck, but really, the way I have to constantly explain what's going on with my kids when all I really want is someone to understand makes me realize I simply suck at this whole creating children thing.
I only wish I could have a do over and make things right for them but I can't. So, I just muddle through in hopes that when they're older, they'll forgive me for giving them this world. I truly hope Trinity won't look back and think that I was out to hurt her. Out to make her life a living hell. I never want that. It's why I push so hard to make sure everything is well with them. The guilt that I feel for all that has happened hits me from time to time. I do try not to think about it but when I do, it's like the largest ten ton weight smacking me right in the chest.
Maybe what I feel is typical, normal mommy guilt, but it doesn't feel like it. I have been dealt some crazy cards this lifetime around and while there are days where I just want to say "screw this, I'm going to Bermuda", I look at Trinity as she work with her therapist helping us with her recent autism diagnosis and know that I can't. No matter how tired I get. So I don't. I muddle through some more, with a smile of encouragement and hope on my face and try very hard to ignore the pang of negativity that threatens to erupt each and every time I let myself think of all that has come to me and my family.