Monday, November 19, 2012

Somewhere I failed at being a mom

Since having children, I've dealt with my fair share of comments and opinions that were less than savory. My children, Lu and Trin have their difficulties. Trust me, I know and I don't have many that I can talk to about them. I don't have the support of a family nor many friends close by (there are a few) that I can reach out to.  Because of all that my kids, especially Trinity has been diagnosed with, I realize just how much of a failure I've been. I do try to better myself as a mother and I'll always think I suck, but really, the way I have to constantly explain what's going on with my kids when all I really want is someone to understand makes me realize I simply suck at this whole creating children thing.

I only wish I could have a do over and make things right for them but I can't. So, I just muddle through in hopes that when they're older, they'll forgive me for giving them this world. I truly hope Trinity won't look back and think that I was out to hurt her. Out to make her life a living hell. I never want that. It's why I push so hard to make sure everything is well with them. The guilt that I feel for all that has happened hits me from time to time. I do try not to think about it but when I do, it's like the largest ten ton weight smacking me right in the chest.

Maybe what I feel is typical, normal mommy guilt, but it doesn't feel like it. I have been dealt some crazy cards this lifetime around and while there are days where I just want to say "screw this, I'm going to Bermuda", I look at Trinity as she work with her therapist helping us with her recent autism diagnosis and know that I can't. No matter how tired I get. So I don't. I muddle through some more, with a smile of encouragement and hope on my face and try very hard to ignore the pang of negativity that threatens to erupt each and every time I let myself think of all that has come to me and my family.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Sick but her spirit isn't broken

It has been a few days since the ballet school debacle and while Trinity is still battling her cold (and gladly spreading it to the rest of us). She's had lots of support from so many and says it makes her heart feel warm. I have to say that I've never felt more blanketed by the caring and love of those that have been part of our journey as well.

Today, while sick in bed, Trinity wanted to draw a picture of herself as she wants the world to see her. She said I could share it with you all.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

The long drive home...

Since I've started working full time, I haven't been home much. This isn't such a bad thing because the time I do get to spend at home, I cherish more than anything. My son, Lucien has taken up the cello. This left Trinity to find something to do outside the home. She picked ballet again. Now with me working, I'm able to afford some things for them so I said, "Why not?" I went to a close mom/daughter owned dance school which I had placed her in back in 2010. At the time, she didn't complete anything much, just a few months because her baby brother, Hyperion was born.

In this school, they explained the the kids were dropped off and picked up. Since Trinity was younger, this alarmed me because if she had to use the restroom, they would take her. That would mean they'd see that she was not a biological girl. I couldn't risk that kind of shock so I privately told them about her and they seemed fine about it. All was well and though she didn't finish out the dance school year, the passion stuck with her.

Fast forward two years later. I take her in today for her first night back. Trinity was very excited about this. In fact, she has been coming down with a cold since yesterday and wasn't feeling her best. I recommended to her that she stay home and we try again next week but she begged that she'd get better enough to go. So I caved and off we went. She looked so cute in her purple dance sweats and black dance shirt. Her dreads up in a side ponytail. Pure excitement for my child.

When we got there she practically flew out of the car and joined with the other girls immediately. I was all ready to leave and come get her as usual. That was until the teacher pulled me aside and said something that left my heart sinking in coldness.

"Does Trinity still have her male genitalia? Oh she does? Well then, she won't be allowed to dress in the main room with the other girls during the recital. She'll have to dress in the utility closet."

It's not surprising to say that my jaw dropped. So stunned was I that I couldn't respond and I had to go anyway. I came home immediately and contacted both Trin's gender therapist and my friends online to see if I was not wrong in my feelings of injustice for my child. I wasn't and by the time I had to go get her, I was fuming. So much so that I actually left my purse at home (oops)! I spoke immediately with the teacher, trying to understand where this sudden fear had come from. Was she concerned that Trinity would do something? Or that the other kids would maybe make fun of her? 

Either of these situations could not have happened as I would have had to be there with her during the recital and Trinity is very cautious anyway. She knows her body is different, so she doesn't need it pointed out to her. I went on to say how what they were doing was discriminatory and not only would it make the other kids and their parents wonder why my child was being isolated from the group, but possibly this decision could undermine everything her we and her therapist had worked so hard for. So long for. 

The teacher called for her mother (weird I know) and they kept repeating how they were looking out for the safety of the other children. Saftey from what? They were pretty much saying my child was dangerous. I wouldn't allow that and I knew they saw my temper rising so they came up with a solution. 

They were going to TELL the parents about Trinity!!! 

Yes, you read that right. These two women were going to out my child. I finally just said no. No thank you, took the check I paid with and left. Trin meanwhile was going on and on about how much fun she had. The more she talked, the larger the dark cloud over me grew. When we got into the car, I waited until I had pulled out of the parking lot and started what normally is a 10 minute drive, but felt like eternity, drive home.

Me: Trinity?

Trin: Yes? *cough cough. sniff*

Me: When we get home, you're getting tea and into bed. But that's not what I wanted to say. Trin, you won't be going back to the dance school.


Trin: Why? I did all my steps right and everything.

Me: Because, sometimes people have a hard time accepting things. But don't worry, daddy and I will put you in a new school. One that's very loving and caring.

Trin: So, it's because my body got all mixed up. Isn't it?

Me: *sighs* Yeah baby. I'm sorry.

Trin: Me too.

The rest of the drive was in silence but even in our quietness with Lu's gentle humming in the back row, the loudness of the whole unfair situation saturated the interior. I wish I could make this go away. I know it sound like I'm saying I don't love Trin the way she is. That's not true at all. I just hate knowing the prejudice that will come with this path given to her.

All we can do, honestly, is continue to love and support her. And fight those bigots whenever they decide to show their disgusting faces. There is no good in not accepting anything in life. None at all. Because all it does is hurt one party and makes the other look like an asshole.

I've thought about this for awhile and as Trin gets older, things are going to start really happening. There are also transgender friendly places that cost quite a bit. I think now, I'm going to add a "Donate" button to this blog. Anything can help. A little penny. She saves now herself, as do we, but any support can go a long way.

To all of those who continue to read this journey, thank you for your love. Trinity couldn't have made it this far without any of you. Nor could I.