A few nights ago, I had a dream where I started singing to those I've met throughout my lifetime how I would no longer take their abuse, their bullying. I had been pushed down since the day I was born and it stopped now. When I woke, my heart was pounding out of my chest and I had to look around to make sure those shadows of memory weren't really in my room. That dream has lingered on my mind and I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I've lost or let go of many who just couldn't be what I needed.
That sounds shallow yeah? Well, it's not. Not when from early childhood, I was made to be what others wanted. Never was I good enough and I worked so hard to be what family desired of me. The punishments were physical and painful. The beatings harsh. Never did I talk about them, I wanted to but was threatened with more if I did. I lived my life in fear and suffered quietly the hurt given to me by those who were supposed to love me. Protect me.
Because of that, I found it difficult to really get close to people. Yeah, I can make friends easily, but I don't trust them. I'm always waiting for the next shoe to drop. I'm often scared they'll break my heart because I'll let them down. That alone is why I disappear from situations when they become too much for me. Why I hate calling out for help. When I do, people get annoyed by my weakness and I shut down. Years of being battered has left me with the inability to handle it when someone is tired of my words.
Imagine being told to shut up and stop crying constantly. Crying meant beating. Meant weakness. Friends don't like people who cry or need help or just want to talk. That's what I was taught. It's why I am the way I am around people. Why I can't hold on to friends and never feel like I belong. It's also why I'm always putting up that wall to protect myself and what makes outsiders think I'm strong.
Maybe I am. Maybe all the hits, words, and mental anguish and the fact that I am still standing to this very day to give my all to my children and those I hold close to my heart means that I'm a pillar of strength. I don't know. What I do know is that being strong, all the time. Smiling when inside I'm crumbling, has left me standing alone.
I have recently released those I called family. I can't do it anymore. I let them destroy me for far too long because I was told I deserved it. It really shatters one's soul when they are told the only reason their loved ones don't call (unless they need something) is because they want nothing to do with them. That if they're going to end their life, either do it or stop talking about it. Why would anyone say that to someone they're supposed to love?
Since this happened and a few other things with friends and such, my wall I had let down just a bit is up and reinforced because I'm scared. I'm so scared that everyone is just waiting for me to let my guard down so they can dig into me. Will they? Probably not, but I'm raw now. Everything for the past few months has left me an open wound and so I'm protecting myself until I can feel maybe it'll be okay again.
I'm focusing on starting my new job, helping Lucien with his ADHD, taking care of the crazy baby. But most of all, I'm going to continue to help Trinity through this often craptastic life. She's going to have so many things happening as we move forward. But I won't leave her standing alone.
I guess, what all of that I wrote, what I'm trying to say is...Me alone will be the one who remembers the pain everyday. And because of the hurt, abuse, and abandonment, I will continue to not repeat those actions done to me. I will not take out my horrors on my children because they are different. Because they can be a trial at times. I love that.
I am hoping that the strength I put into them will not lead them into a life of loneliness. I believe it won't. They are beautiful creations given to me as a gift and I don't ever want to destroy that. Even as I stand alone, my kids will be surrounded and accompanied by my love for them.