Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Trinity's Cheesecake Cookie Recipe

Trinity loves to bake. And she's really really good at it. In fact, she's getting an Easy Bake Oven for Christmas, but she doesn't know that yet.

Anyway, she enjoys coming up with new recipes and trying them out. This year, she decided to make cheesecake cookies. Strawberry and raspberry ones to be exact. Boy are they delish! Several friends have asked for the recipe and while Trinity is not one to divulge such information, she decided she didn't mind sharing.

Holidays are the time for sharing after all right?

So here it is, with pictures!


1 egg

1 (8oz) of cream cheese

1 pouch of sugar cookie mix

 Raspberry or Strawberry jelly

Mix up softened cream cheese until smooth. Add egg and mix to blend. Add cookie mix and stir until dough is formed.

With lightly floured hands, take dough and make into a roll. Place roll in refrigerator until cool and semi solid. Take out cookie roll and slice rounds. Place rounds on greased cookie sheet. Add jelly on top in drops.

Bake at 275 to 300 degrees for 10-12 minutes or until bottoms are golden brown. Trinity says this mimics a cheesecake crust. 

Once done, bring out to cool on a rack and enjoy!

Monday, November 19, 2012

Somewhere I failed at being a mom

Since having children, I've dealt with my fair share of comments and opinions that were less than savory. My children, Lu and Trin have their difficulties. Trust me, I know and I don't have many that I can talk to about them. I don't have the support of a family nor many friends close by (there are a few) that I can reach out to.  Because of all that my kids, especially Trinity has been diagnosed with, I realize just how much of a failure I've been. I do try to better myself as a mother and I'll always think I suck, but really, the way I have to constantly explain what's going on with my kids when all I really want is someone to understand makes me realize I simply suck at this whole creating children thing.

I only wish I could have a do over and make things right for them but I can't. So, I just muddle through in hopes that when they're older, they'll forgive me for giving them this world. I truly hope Trinity won't look back and think that I was out to hurt her. Out to make her life a living hell. I never want that. It's why I push so hard to make sure everything is well with them. The guilt that I feel for all that has happened hits me from time to time. I do try not to think about it but when I do, it's like the largest ten ton weight smacking me right in the chest.

Maybe what I feel is typical, normal mommy guilt, but it doesn't feel like it. I have been dealt some crazy cards this lifetime around and while there are days where I just want to say "screw this, I'm going to Bermuda", I look at Trinity as she work with her therapist helping us with her recent autism diagnosis and know that I can't. No matter how tired I get. So I don't. I muddle through some more, with a smile of encouragement and hope on my face and try very hard to ignore the pang of negativity that threatens to erupt each and every time I let myself think of all that has come to me and my family.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Sick but her spirit isn't broken

It has been a few days since the ballet school debacle and while Trinity is still battling her cold (and gladly spreading it to the rest of us). She's had lots of support from so many and says it makes her heart feel warm. I have to say that I've never felt more blanketed by the caring and love of those that have been part of our journey as well.

Today, while sick in bed, Trinity wanted to draw a picture of herself as she wants the world to see her. She said I could share it with you all.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

The long drive home...

Since I've started working full time, I haven't been home much. This isn't such a bad thing because the time I do get to spend at home, I cherish more than anything. My son, Lucien has taken up the cello. This left Trinity to find something to do outside the home. She picked ballet again. Now with me working, I'm able to afford some things for them so I said, "Why not?" I went to a close mom/daughter owned dance school which I had placed her in back in 2010. At the time, she didn't complete anything much, just a few months because her baby brother, Hyperion was born.

In this school, they explained the the kids were dropped off and picked up. Since Trinity was younger, this alarmed me because if she had to use the restroom, they would take her. That would mean they'd see that she was not a biological girl. I couldn't risk that kind of shock so I privately told them about her and they seemed fine about it. All was well and though she didn't finish out the dance school year, the passion stuck with her.

Fast forward two years later. I take her in today for her first night back. Trinity was very excited about this. In fact, she has been coming down with a cold since yesterday and wasn't feeling her best. I recommended to her that she stay home and we try again next week but she begged that she'd get better enough to go. So I caved and off we went. She looked so cute in her purple dance sweats and black dance shirt. Her dreads up in a side ponytail. Pure excitement for my child.

When we got there she practically flew out of the car and joined with the other girls immediately. I was all ready to leave and come get her as usual. That was until the teacher pulled me aside and said something that left my heart sinking in coldness.

"Does Trinity still have her male genitalia? Oh she does? Well then, she won't be allowed to dress in the main room with the other girls during the recital. She'll have to dress in the utility closet."

It's not surprising to say that my jaw dropped. So stunned was I that I couldn't respond and I had to go anyway. I came home immediately and contacted both Trin's gender therapist and my friends online to see if I was not wrong in my feelings of injustice for my child. I wasn't and by the time I had to go get her, I was fuming. So much so that I actually left my purse at home (oops)! I spoke immediately with the teacher, trying to understand where this sudden fear had come from. Was she concerned that Trinity would do something? Or that the other kids would maybe make fun of her? 

Either of these situations could not have happened as I would have had to be there with her during the recital and Trinity is very cautious anyway. She knows her body is different, so she doesn't need it pointed out to her. I went on to say how what they were doing was discriminatory and not only would it make the other kids and their parents wonder why my child was being isolated from the group, but possibly this decision could undermine everything her we and her therapist had worked so hard for. So long for. 

The teacher called for her mother (weird I know) and they kept repeating how they were looking out for the safety of the other children. Saftey from what? They were pretty much saying my child was dangerous. I wouldn't allow that and I knew they saw my temper rising so they came up with a solution. 

They were going to TELL the parents about Trinity!!! 

Yes, you read that right. These two women were going to out my child. I finally just said no. No thank you, took the check I paid with and left. Trin meanwhile was going on and on about how much fun she had. The more she talked, the larger the dark cloud over me grew. When we got into the car, I waited until I had pulled out of the parking lot and started what normally is a 10 minute drive, but felt like eternity, drive home.

Me: Trinity?

Trin: Yes? *cough cough. sniff*

Me: When we get home, you're getting tea and into bed. But that's not what I wanted to say. Trin, you won't be going back to the dance school.


Trin: Why? I did all my steps right and everything.

Me: Because, sometimes people have a hard time accepting things. But don't worry, daddy and I will put you in a new school. One that's very loving and caring.

Trin: So, it's because my body got all mixed up. Isn't it?

Me: *sighs* Yeah baby. I'm sorry.

Trin: Me too.

The rest of the drive was in silence but even in our quietness with Lu's gentle humming in the back row, the loudness of the whole unfair situation saturated the interior. I wish I could make this go away. I know it sound like I'm saying I don't love Trin the way she is. That's not true at all. I just hate knowing the prejudice that will come with this path given to her.

All we can do, honestly, is continue to love and support her. And fight those bigots whenever they decide to show their disgusting faces. There is no good in not accepting anything in life. None at all. Because all it does is hurt one party and makes the other look like an asshole.

I've thought about this for awhile and as Trin gets older, things are going to start really happening. There are also transgender friendly places that cost quite a bit. I think now, I'm going to add a "Donate" button to this blog. Anything can help. A little penny. She saves now herself, as do we, but any support can go a long way.

To all of those who continue to read this journey, thank you for your love. Trinity couldn't have made it this far without any of you. Nor could I.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Trinity is 9 and all diva!

I can't believe that my Trinity is 9 years old now! How time flies right? This is just a simple post wishing her a Happy 9 years and many more to come. Love you, Trinity!!

Monday, September 3, 2012

Being strong usually means standing alone

So much has happened that I don't know where to begin. I guess I'll start with the meaning behind my title. And I promise, this will all connect to being the parent of Trinity.

A few nights ago, I had a dream where I started singing to those I've met throughout my lifetime how I would no longer take their abuse, their bullying. I had been pushed down since the day I was born and it stopped now. When I woke, my heart was pounding out of my chest and I had to look around to make sure those shadows of memory weren't really in my room. That dream has lingered on my mind and I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I've lost or let go of many who just couldn't be what I needed.

That sounds shallow yeah? Well, it's not. Not when from early childhood, I was made to be what others wanted. Never was I good enough and I worked so hard to be what family desired of me. The punishments were physical and painful. The beatings harsh. Never did I talk about them, I wanted to but was threatened with more if I did. I lived my life in fear and suffered quietly the hurt given to me by those who were supposed to love me. Protect me.

Because of that, I found it difficult to really get close to people. Yeah, I can make friends easily, but I don't trust them. I'm always waiting for the next shoe to drop. I'm often scared they'll break my heart because I'll let them down. That alone is why I disappear from situations when they become too much for me. Why I hate calling out for help. When I do, people get annoyed by my weakness and I shut down. Years of being battered has left me with the inability to handle it when someone is tired of my words.

Imagine being told to shut up and stop crying constantly. Crying meant beating. Meant weakness. Friends don't like people who cry or need help or just want to talk. That's what I was taught. It's why I am the way I am around people. Why I can't hold on to friends and never feel like I belong. It's also why I'm always putting up that wall to protect myself and what makes outsiders think I'm strong.

Maybe I am. Maybe all the hits, words, and mental anguish and the fact that I am still standing to this very day to give my all to my children and those I hold close to my heart means that I'm a pillar of strength. I don't know. What I do know is that being strong, all the time. Smiling when inside I'm crumbling, has left me standing alone.

I have recently released those I called family. I can't do it anymore. I let them destroy me for far too long because I was told I deserved it. It really shatters one's soul when they are told the only reason their loved ones don't call (unless they need something) is because they want nothing to do with them. That if they're going to end their life, either do it or stop talking about it. Why would anyone say that to someone they're supposed to love?

Since this happened and a few other things with friends and such, my wall I had let down just a bit is up and reinforced because I'm scared. I'm so scared that everyone is just waiting for me to let my guard down so they can dig into me. Will they? Probably not, but I'm raw now. Everything for the past few months has left me an open wound and so I'm protecting myself until I can feel maybe it'll be okay again.

I'm focusing on starting my new job, helping Lucien with his ADHD, taking care of the crazy baby. But most of all, I'm going to continue to help Trinity through this often craptastic life. She's going to have so many things happening as we move forward. But I won't leave her standing alone.

I guess, what all of that I wrote, what I'm trying to say is...Me alone will be the one who remembers the pain everyday. And because of the hurt, abuse, and abandonment, I will continue to not repeat those actions done to me. I will not take out my horrors on my children because they are different. Because they can be a trial at times. I love that.

I am hoping that the strength I put into them will not lead them into a life of loneliness. I believe it won't. They are beautiful creations given to me as a gift and I don't ever want to destroy that. Even as I stand alone, my kids will be surrounded and accompanied by my love for them.

My gifts

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Summer is almost over so I thought I'd update!

You know, a lot has happened this summer for me and my family. I'm now a multi published author, my kids are still homeschooling, and my baby is getting bigger. There have been losses and gains, heartache and achievement. Life has been...well life.
Trinity turns 9 in October. I can't believe it honestly. I'm going to be the mother of a 9 year old! Wow. And what a great kid she is. Even when she's not in the best of moods, I still love her and that'll never change. Many things have come up during this year in regards to Trinity. We learned that she had begun puberty already. In Tanner stage 1 at only 8 years of age. Then we found out that we'll wait until she hits the second stage before we can start blockers.
Another thing is that she still has her learning disability. I don't think this is something that'll be overcome easily but I know together she and I will prevail. But know that just because my child is unable to communicate at the level of most her age, she knows who she is and that's all that should matter.
And that brings me to my main issue that I've not mentioned online because it's been everywhere. This problem with hate. I know some would say it's a right to have their opinions but, no, no it's not. It's a privilege to have it and use it with full knowledge of how it may affect those that hear it. It is a right to be respectful and a right to be accepting.
We were given the gift to love but lately, especially more than ever, something has happened to the love. It's gone. As a matter of fact, Trinity asked me, when seeing protests and such on tv, why were people so angry. Why did their parents not teach them to care for everyone, no matter how different they are? I didn't know how to answer her exactly so only told her that regardless of how someone else was taught, what I have taught her is all that matters.
When they hate you for being transgender, then you mentally love them more. Maybe the good vibes will help them learn to open their hearts more.
Now some would wonder, what makes something a "right" versus "privilege” and as I thought about it, I came to a pretty sound conclusion.

Right—something we are innately born with.
Privilege—something that is temporary and fluctuating.
Life is a privilege as it changes as we grow. Loving is the first thing we do as children. Even when a person says, “I'll never love again” they do because loving is just what we're programmed to do.
My daughter is a good heart who doesn't deserve to be disliked for being different. No matter what teachings a person receives, those are changeable. But even in them, the main idea is to love and that is the right people need to start displaying.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

When did we start hating kids so much?

Okay, so maybe hate is a strong word, but the more I see articles that are so very anti-kids, the more I believe it. Yes we have the "It Gets Better" campaign for primarily homosexual children being bullied and that's wonderful, but then we have some places that want to instill that it's okay if it's against your beliefs? What?! And the whole, people with kids should have their own separate places on planes or in restaurants. So, segregation? Wow. And heaven forbid you actually listen to those little creatures. Yuck!

Recently, an article by a woman for the Huffpost came out (link below) where she went into how her 9 year old child came to her saying he was really a she. In this blog, I've mentioned the path we've taken with Trinity and so, after reading her article, I totally understood and wanted to give her a high five. But then I made the stupid mistake of reading the comments. Granted, many were positive and in support of what the family has given to their child, but there were some, those confusing, negative ones that obviously wouldn't know what a book was if it was thrown at their heads. It's easy to research the truth about Gender Identity Disorder for both children and adults. Hell, it's in the DSM-IV! And documented in the American Academy of Pediatrics. Who would have thunk it?

Needless to say, majority of the Debbie Downers were concerned that the mother forced this on the child. That a 9 year old knows nothing so couldn't possibly know they are in the wrong body. And of course, when asked how old they were when they figured out if they were male or female, they either ignored the question or answered with, "I don't remember that far back." Yes they do, but to acknowlege their judgemental comments are plain idiotic, would probably cause a paradox of some kind and the world would come to an end. My favorite thus far, has been a child doesn't know what gender they are until they enter puberty. Uhh...

I have never questioned that my daughter was too young to know what she wanted. That would me assuming she was dumb, and if that was the case, it means her lack of understanding herself and needs would fall on me. I'm her mother, teacher, and guide too, and would hope that I instilled enough self-confidence in her to know who she was. Never in a million years, would I purposely want my child to live a life that could prove to be difficult and dangerous, and I don't want to believe any loving parent would either. At the same time, we want them happy and if your child is saying how depressed they are, they're suicidal (41% suicide rate folks), threatening self mutilation even (as mine did), what is so hard about allowing them to socially transition? I think the problem is the misinformation of what it means to have a transgender child. Since it has only been adults in the news and they go through surgical procedures to get where they are, people assume that's the same for the children. It's not.

Trinity has been living as a girl since she was almost 5. She did not go through anything medical or surgical. She just dressed differently and was called by she instead of he. As for the name, Trinity was already her middle name, so not much of a jump there. Now that she's getting older and her body is starting puberty, then yes, medicine will be the next step, but again, nothing surgical and she's old enough to make that choice with her doctors and therapist. According the AAP (link below), gender identity is set long before puberty, and is solid by school age. Even in schools, at least it happened in my kids' school, they are asked their name, age, and gender. Trinity always said "girl" and no matter how many times she was corrected, she corrected her teachers right back. So what's so hard in understanding that kids DO know? Why is it scary to know that gender is fluid?

Gender identity is not the same as sexuality, your sex, or gender roles. Gender identity is who you are inside, not just how you feel, but what you know. And if people believe that it can be disregarded because "a child isn't mature enough to know anything but what adults tell them", well, then I'm going to come tell them that they're child isn't four! That's something the parents have forced the child to say. How dare they! Hey parents! Stop forcing designated birthdays on your kids! It's wrong and should not be a decision made until that child is old enough to know what day they want to celebrate on!

So seriously, leave it alone. If you don't get it, fine. But don't undermine my child's intelligence by saying they can't know what they want and who they are. If you've ever taken the time to sit down and listen to kids, you might find they are a hell of a lot smarter than us adults. I mean they have to be, because while we're stressing about how we'll look for swimsuit season, they're covered in mud and dirt, smiling and laughing, and not caring at all what they look like to the other kids. And as for the other kids? They think the kid in the mud is really cool and should join them!

American Academy of Pediatrics article on Gender Identity in children
Transgender Child Article

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Just a bit longer than we thought but still great news!

So today, Trinity had a full out well check up. The lead endocrinologist wants to make sure our insurance covers her medications 100%. The way to do that, she'd have to be at Tanner stage 3. I will post below the different stages so to better understand. After a thorough check, Trinity is officially in Tanner stage 2, which is the start of puberty. I can't believe that my 8 1/2 year old has started puberty. She's so young, you know? But, she's not quite there yet. We'll check each year, but they think by 10 or 11 she'll be truly ready to start her blockers. I'm fine with that and I'm glad to know the doctors have her best interest in mind. As well as our financial situation. Overall, it's a great day for Trinity.

Tanner stages

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Wishes do come true!

Today was a day full of happiness, dreams come true, and a positive outlook on possibilities. Thought you'd like to know.

Trinity has started puberty. I noticed this recently, and knew this was what was causing her recent stress and anxiety. She had been having nightmares, fearing she would wake up as a boy again. She'd grow a beard, deep voice, and all the things that she feared most. I had promised her, I would do all in my power to not let that happen. I'd eat glass before I'd let her suffer any pain anymore. So, today, I had an appointment with the pediatrician. We discussed the next plan of action which will be puberty blockers.  In the American Academy of Pediatrics journal, there are guidelines for dealing with transgender children and as long as there are signs of puberty, they can start with the blocking process. The best news...it'll be covered by insurance! I'm so so happy and so is Trin. The news of this left her crying with true happiness. Something every parent loves to see really and that made me cry lol. So most likely, by the end of this year, she will be on the blockers to stop male puberty.

I want to thank all who have been supportive and loving during this journey. And I would love to continue to receive your prayers and positive thoughts as we continue on.

Friday, February 10, 2012

A crack in a wall but not broken

To the confused minds,

I am writing to you, those who are looking at the world from your bubble, to beg you, ask you, to step out and open your eyes. Most days, I sit back and watch headlines of people bashing others, be it because of politics, sexual orientation, race, or gender and I say nothing. I try not to let it bring me down because I know in the end, good will prevail. And yet, it seems to be taking a much longer time and an even more disturbing turn as people who say they follow a faith of love, acceptance, and equality twist it around to being exclusive to those who need your strength the most.

Recently, I've been noticing that the people I hold dear, that I feel I don't mind having as friends in my life are maybe not the right ones to keep. Because even though, I may not know many in the LGBT community, I know some. In fact, one lives with me and like her, they all have a voice. My daughter, my sweet Trinity has a spirit, but she's still a child. Someone small and unable to defend herself in light of bigger, louder bullies. Yes, that's what these loud mouths are. They are no better than bullies. And as a mother, I will stand in their path and let their words fall on me.

My plea, is that I don't have to keep seeing such hate for people who only want to love and live as we all get to. I don't want someone calling my child a sin or perversion, because she had the courage to be who she was deep inside. And I want her to be in a world that will accept her as much as they accept me. I am her wall, but I crack and have been for some time. I refuse to break, however, because as a mother, that is not my job. My job is to keep her protected until the time is right to open my gate and let her free. And even then, a piece of me will still cover her as she walks through her life.

My husband said something that made so much sense to me the other night that I am going to share it to these people, to my readers, in hopes that the message will get out there. Of all faiths, the sole theory of humanity is that we are born for a purpose in life. We will touch someone and change their outlook. Sometimes it has not always been the best path, but most times it has been wonderful. When blacks were not seen as people, it was those courageous heroes and heroines that stood up and paved a way for people like me and, yes, our President, to get where we are now. I believe my husband and I were born and brought together just so that we could become the parents of Trinity. We love her with more than we could ever think and though we know not everyone will, we hope those folks we surround ourselves with won't have a problem doing so.

So, people who are scared of what could happen if we let gays marry. Or if women are given a choice of what they want for their bodies. Or even that our society is going down from the immorality that becomes its people (which I don't believe), answer me this......

Light of my life
How can SHE truly be the cause of it?

In peace and prosperity,


Tuesday, January 31, 2012

They often say, no news is good news....

And that's actually very true. Other than normal, dealing with crazy tantrums, attitude, and funny kid jokes, nothing much has been going on in the wacky world of Trinity. She got some great stuff for Christmas and Yule. Things that she desired most of all according to her present list. I have to say, people in the family are as on board with this as they're going to be and gladly spoil her with the gifts she asks for now without so much as a complaint. At least not that I know of. Here are some pictures of things going on with my little girl. Can you all believe she'll be 9 this year?!

Trinity's Yule gift

Trinity wanted a dollhouse so bad. Monster High dolls and a car too. She loves this darn thing LOL.
So, here's to a new year of new possibilities. I know she's getting older and soon, the talk of medications are going to come soon. But for now, we're just enjoying watching her grown, learn, and just live life the way any child should.