Sunday, May 29, 2011

Don't play with me, I'm no yo-yo

I was thinking back at the very beginning, the first few months, after I had told family and friends that Trinity was no longer Xavier and how people left me alone to deal with my turmoil alone. I mean yes, I had my husband, but he too was having trouble accepting.But there were so many who believed that I was doing something harmful to my child. That really bothered me. It still bothers me.

I know this blog is usually me trying to see through my daughter's eyes, but this post is a look through my heart. I love my children and would do anything for them, within my power. This was not even a choice I made, nor would want to make for my child, but I knew if I did not follow along with her her life would have been filled with sadness and shame. Never, not for my children, not for my baby. What I did not expect was the negative backlash and honestly, I didn't think I would have it. I thought that the people I surrounded myself with were as open minded as I was and they would support me as I supported her through this tumultuous period. But I was left holding up the beams of my family and my child, while my breaking heart struggled to beat with each day. Cracked a bit more with each shameful comment. I hid my sadness behind the strength of a mother to provide Trinity with the right steps that would lead her as she is now, while my emotions were left raw, scarred, and ultimately unsure if I could be loved as a good enough person.

How did it come to this? I was a blessing for my daughter, but a sin to the adults around me. I was called murderer, a bad mom, weak, a doormat to my children's whims. Yes, some praised me and looked up to me, but there were so few compared to the many that saw that this was a harmful choice. It was never my choice. I did not wake up one day and say, "Gee, I think I'm going to make my first born son my daughter. That's a GREAT idea!" I mourned the loss of my son, not less than a year after her transition. I suddenly broke down into pitiful tears that forced their way out of my torn soul and I cried. I held a crumpled picture of her at age 1, when life was simple, when colors were blue and green, cars and trucks and I cried. I had no comfort that day, as I was alone, as alone as I was when the first year happened and I cried. I cried in pain, I cried in anger, I cried. And when the tears had dried, my heart cried. I wanted to talk to the people I had come to care about, but had stopped caring about me. Stopped all because of this, all because I put aside my fears and selfishness and let my child lead the way into who she already knew she was.

I have not cried since that day, but I still miss the connections I had. I have slowly lost them and gained a few. I still miss what I had. Does that make me wish I could go back in time and change how things turned out for Trinity? No. I love my  little girl and she is my light. The brightest light I know. And I'm DeShanna, her mom. And I'm the force that'll protect her to the very end. Even if it means doing it alone. I have her and she has me. And that's the way it oughta be.


Nancy said...

Trinity is blessed to have you as her champion! The difference to her in her life is going to be immeasurable.

I am often surprised that many people will be critical just because an idea is new to them, they lack plasticity. There are others who will be critical for other reasons, but even those who would in a hypothetical situation agree with your parenting, they can lack plasticity and imagination when it touches their own lives. Sad and funny isn't it?

denthreekids said...

Yes, Nancy it is. I know that I make people question my motives to how I parent, but I really would like them to be a fly on a wall sometimes to see that there really should be no other way when it comes to our children. If they're happy, what's the issue and if the parent is making them happy, yay for them!

Mohrade said...

You are one awesome Mama! And your children are so cute:) I had to read from the beginning, and I must say I cried for you, not tears of sadness, but tears of joy. You are a prime example of what/how a mother should be toward/with her babies. Yay for you and yay for Trinity.BTW Awesome princess cake!:)

denthreekids said...

Thank you so much Mohrade. That made me tear up.