Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Let there be light!!

More and more families are coming out with having a child who is transgender. And honestly, I'm flippin' glad! The more this happens, the better people will see it's not a phase or fad and that gender and sex are two different things all together! I'm going to break it down and also post this great article that is hitting the internet by storm.

  1. Sex- depends on what you mean, but if not physically having it with someone, this is your sexual orientation. This does not usually become prevalent until puberty starts. 
  2. Genitalia-Not your sex, no matter what people say. The correct term is genitalia and it refers to what you are born with. You don't hear them say, "This child has ambiguous sex." Do you?
  3. Gender-Who you are. What you feel. Your gender is what your soul deems you to be (Trinity's words) and if your soul says, "I am a girl" or "I am a boy" then that's what you follow. In other words, the soul trumps the genitalia and sex doesn't matter until you're old enough for it to do so.
Take these three points to heart as they are very important to understanding our children, my child. And maybe, with time, in her future, she will not be seen as a transgender person. She will be equally a strong and beautiful woman. 

Great article!

Friday, November 25, 2011

The only mistake I see, is your inability of acceptance

Something today got me thinking, what is a mistake and who makes them? When it came out that Trinity was a transgender child, I found the most common comment was "What? God doesn't make mistakes!" Two things I found interesting about this assertion. 1. I didn't mention God. and 2. My child is not a mistake. That being said, I get tired of the very idea that everyone in the world is a Christian. I am not. I am Pagan. I am proud of that. I have friends that are Christian. I'm proud of that. Those friends accept my baby girl and do not see her as a mistake. She is a child, an individual, a human being.

So again, on the topic of mistakes, what is a mistake and who makes them. The answer: People with stupid things to say and the very same who choose to not accept that there is a world of diversity outside their little bubble. Now I'm not perfect, never want to be honestly (sounds like too much work), but I do make an effort to learn something different, then accept it for being so. Who am I to tell anyone or anything that because I'm not like that, they don't matter, belong, and are therefore, a mistake. A mistake that my precious Goddess could not possibly have made. Obviously, she made my daughter for who she is. She made her unique, special, and down right adorable (sometimes crazy).

Acceptance is crucial to being a good person, to teaching our youth how to be amazing citizens. Tolerance is a lazy excuse. Yeah it works, for awhile, but eventually you have to bite the bullet and either fully accept or just admit you're not diggin' it. The question we have to ask ourselves in the end of it all, is are we willing to embrace difference or do we continue to open our mouths and allow mistakes to come out of them?

Thursday, November 17, 2011

If Darwin could see me now

Today, my husband and I watched an episode on transgender teens and children that came on the Anderson Cooper show. It was riveting and done in such a great manner that many talk shows of today lack. I couldn't have imagined feeling so much pride as I had at that moment. But then it got me to thinking. Most of us parents who are living with a child who has come out as transgender have gotten our fair share of negative comments, rude and snarky. In the beginning, it's hard not to take those comments lightly. Hell, even as the years pass and the parent is packed with proper research and information, the negative responses can come as quite a surprise if caught off guard. I still get my moments of "wait, what?" when I am asked something that seems left field. And now I do understand a bit, why I'm asked and was asked such strange, ignorant questions. Because some people, not all, but some, still can not fathom why I supported my small, innocent, mindless child to take on such a complicated decision for her life. I have one word for that. One word for how I gathered up the strength, in a world of criticism to help my daughter along this journey.

Evolution.

Trinity has been telling us that she was a girl since the moment she could speak coherently, at the tender age of three. Like the parents seen on the talk show, we asked our pediatrician about it. Asked her why our child was dressing up as a girl, playing with dolls more than trucks, and saying she was a girl (Note: It is one thing to saying "I want to be a girl" and "I AM a girl"). And our reply was that it was a normal male behavior. Not to worry. Well, if you've read the earlier posts of this blog, you would see that a time came when we did have to start growing concerned and find the right people to help us make a drastic choice for our child. I remember still, the therapist asking me if I would rather have a happy little girl or a dead little boy. I still get chills from that and honestly, the decision was pretty damn simple. But, the thing was, she already knew she was a girl, already knew who she was. It was my husband and I, our family, that had to change. Not her. I, her loving mother, had to begin my evolution. I had to adapt to losing my son and gaining my daughter in a span of a day.

Now the most important thing anyone should know about life is that it is never cut and dry. I thought, the day I was told I was having Trin, then Xavier, that I would dress her in blue, play with trucks and cars, sports with dad, the stereotypical stuff. And when that changed, I had to as well. I had my cry eventually, but then I couldn't cry anymore. As parents, we adapt to change, or at least, we should, but as moms, our evolution is paramount for both our family's and our happiness sanity.  So I evolved in my understanding for such a controversial topic to a world that still doesn't understand. Wouldn't Darwin be proud!

As years pass, more challenges will come up. Hormones, surgery, lost relationships. I will hold her, wipe her tears, deal with her anger at the unfairness of it all and I will adapt. I will feel frustrations come up from my own inability to make life better for her, but I will grow from them. And when she's grown and living her own life, I will watch from afar. A new person than I was before she came into my life. I will be a being of higher understanding, eternal love, and a kick ass child who helped me help a world (the small one I have reading this blog) evolve along with me.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Another year, new challenges.

I can't believe it, but my dear Trinity is now eight years old. Where has the time gone when I held my little baby? It was a princess fanfare of course and she got a lot of the gifts she wanted. Her birthday is near Halloween and she was a fairy, a morbid fairy that is. My daughter is truly a creature of the dark LOL. I love it really. I remember before she started living as a girl, she tried so hard to play right, do right but it always fell short. Now, not only can she play with her dolls happily, she can also play her video games, zombie things and not be looked at any differently. I love my baby girl and glad she had such a great birthday and Halloween! Love you Trinity!

Happy 8th birthday!!!

Bloody, deranged, tooth fairy

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

What's wrong with your uterus?

There are plenty of questions that I've gotten, most genuine and sincere, when it comes to being a mom of a transgender child. I love them, I love educating people in hopes that they will have more compassion and empathy for those who live in a world that more often that not is unfavorable of anything or anyone that is different. However, I have received the stupid questions that are just those that think they're funny when in fact they are being jerkwads. Is it my place to educate them. Yes, it still is. Does it matter? No. They don't want to learn. They don't care. Well, maybe some do, but most don't. One of the more ridiculous questions I've received has been "What's wrong with your uterus?" and there is a reason for this. By the way, most who have asked this are not strangers but close family.

I have three children. Trinity is my oldest child and then after her, I have two sons. Yes, Trinity was born my son, but she's not anymore. Lucien, my middle child, has behavioral issues. Nothing that can't be fixed. And Hyperion, is still an infant so who knows what he'll grow into. When I was pregnant, I was asked, if I was worried about having something "wrong" with my baby. I wasn't thinking that far. I was worried about kick counts and such. Why would any mother want to have an added worry about something being wrong with her unborn baby? I politely asked why would I be worried? The answer: Well you have problems with the others. Especially the oldest. It's obvious that there's something wrong with your uterus that you keep having babies with issues.

Wow, uh okay. I never saw my kids as having severe issues that wasn't easy to work with. But it would seem that others believed I did. In fact, they questioned if I thought it was such a good idea to even have a baby given my previous circumstances. Yes I thought and still think that having a baby was a GREAT idea. I hope to have more in the future. More and more babies. It's hard you know, so hard and painful that I hear this. It's hard. I'm going to break this down for any who comes by this blog and think, "That woman is crazy for letting her CHILD make such a decision." I've had my own therapist say that to me! He actually told me that he couldn't have me as a patient because I allowed my child to be who she wanted to be. I say to him, "Dude, you can suck it!"

This is to you out there, the one who looks down at me. Who thinks my children are not any other child out there just because they are different. Different is beautiful. So, you all, let me say. My uterus is very much fine. I have healthy, happy, beautiful children that came from my body. My children are not weird, they're not freaks of nature. They are kids, and they are mine. When you talk about me, you think you hurt me, and you do a bit, but it also makes me stronger. When you talk about my kids, you will not hurt them. Because I am a rock and I will stand before them to grow while your words bounce off. And as they watch me be a rock, they too grow strong and fierce. You ask, what's wrong with your uterus? I say, nothing other than it being the breeding ground for extraordinary human beings. So take that and chew on it.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Proof is in the pudding!

This is a beautiful video report done showing that children DO know. So when you question, how can a child believe they're a girl or boy. Then you need to sit back and ask yourself, "When did I know I was a girl or boy?" When you get the answer, then know it's the same for them.


Proof is in the pudding!

Thursday, August 4, 2011

They are there, you just have to open your eyes and see

Today, I ran into my kids' old bus driver. She was the one who supported Trinity when she transitioned in the middle of the school year. I know I've said I've often felt alone, and lately, I've felt even more alone as those I want to understand and back me aren't there. They don't want people to know. Sadly, one of these people is my husband. That feeling practically disappeared today when I talked with this woman I hadn't seen in almost 4 years.

She went on about how she learned so much from myself and Trinity. She used correct pronouns and she asked how my daughter was doing. It was a nice conversation, one I was shocked to be having. I haven't bumped into anyone that would remember my child before she became Trinity, and the ones that did, refuse to see her as a female. The most amazing part of this talk was that before Trin was pulled out from the school, she had given the bus driver a picture of her, a few months after transition, and one of Lucien. The bus driver told me that she still carries those pictures to this day. They are the only bus kids' pictures she has and she keeps them in her wallet. Right next to her grandchildren's pictures. It was such an amazing comment and I hugged her. She wanted to know if I had a donation page, which I'm not thinking is a good idea to do, but I told her no.

Sometimes, when a person believes they're all alone, all they have to do is open their eyes and see that there are people who care and love them. I bumped into that person today and I'm so glad that she got to be apart of Trinity's life.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

What is love? It's all in the eyes and smile.

Mommy and Trinity smiling pretty!

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

A great supporter

I want to take a moment out of the normal post to say a big thank you to the one person who never had a question, doubt, or problem with Trinity. Because of this, I could not love him more, but will try with all my heart.

Lucien!

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Don't play with me, I'm no yo-yo

I was thinking back at the very beginning, the first few months, after I had told family and friends that Trinity was no longer Xavier and how people left me alone to deal with my turmoil alone. I mean yes, I had my husband, but he too was having trouble accepting.But there were so many who believed that I was doing something harmful to my child. That really bothered me. It still bothers me.

I know this blog is usually me trying to see through my daughter's eyes, but this post is a look through my heart. I love my children and would do anything for them, within my power. This was not even a choice I made, nor would want to make for my child, but I knew if I did not follow along with her her life would have been filled with sadness and shame. Never, not for my children, not for my baby. What I did not expect was the negative backlash and honestly, I didn't think I would have it. I thought that the people I surrounded myself with were as open minded as I was and they would support me as I supported her through this tumultuous period. But I was left holding up the beams of my family and my child, while my breaking heart struggled to beat with each day. Cracked a bit more with each shameful comment. I hid my sadness behind the strength of a mother to provide Trinity with the right steps that would lead her as she is now, while my emotions were left raw, scarred, and ultimately unsure if I could be loved as a good enough person.

How did it come to this? I was a blessing for my daughter, but a sin to the adults around me. I was called murderer, a bad mom, weak, a doormat to my children's whims. Yes, some praised me and looked up to me, but there were so few compared to the many that saw that this was a harmful choice. It was never my choice. I did not wake up one day and say, "Gee, I think I'm going to make my first born son my daughter. That's a GREAT idea!" I mourned the loss of my son, not less than a year after her transition. I suddenly broke down into pitiful tears that forced their way out of my torn soul and I cried. I held a crumpled picture of her at age 1, when life was simple, when colors were blue and green, cars and trucks and I cried. I had no comfort that day, as I was alone, as alone as I was when the first year happened and I cried. I cried in pain, I cried in anger, I cried. And when the tears had dried, my heart cried. I wanted to talk to the people I had come to care about, but had stopped caring about me. Stopped all because of this, all because I put aside my fears and selfishness and let my child lead the way into who she already knew she was.

I have not cried since that day, but I still miss the connections I had. I have slowly lost them and gained a few. I still miss what I had. Does that make me wish I could go back in time and change how things turned out for Trinity? No. I love my  little girl and she is my light. The brightest light I know. And I'm DeShanna, her mom. And I'm the force that'll protect her to the very end. Even if it means doing it alone. I have her and she has me. And that's the way it oughta be.

Friday, May 13, 2011

If your definition of being a parent is that I'm wrong, I'm sorry for you

Happy belated Mother's Day everyone out there. I wish I could say mine was great, but it was not. It was awful because the people who I usually look up to decided to treat me like I was a second class citizen. My parenting was brought into question and the focus was pretty much surrounding Trinity. My sisters both bombarded me with the, "Don't let children make their own choices." and the, "God made us parents to make our children obey." And of course, because I allowed  opened my heart for Trinity to be who she is now, I am the worse of the worse as a mother. I will never say I'm a perfect mother, I don't even believe I'm a great mother, but to say that me stepping back and trusting in my child to know her own gender makes me undeserving of being a mother is a bit over the top.

It really hurt me, as they continued to tell me how I failed in my parenting from homeschooling to discipline and I honestly felt like I was. I told my husband about it and I spoke with my mother about it. They both reassured me that this was not the case, and it did take a few days to forget and now I'm just sorry for them. I watch as their adult children rebel and do not come to them to talk. I don't have that issue and you know what? Maybe that's what makes me the mother Trinity needs, which for her, is pretty damn good.

Monday, April 25, 2011

This hate needs to stop

There is not much to say about how I feel about this. I fear many times over about Trinity's future, but I know she'll have it easier. Mostly because she'll not have to fear the changes of her body due to puberty. She has brothers and parents that love and protect her. I wish I could hold this beautiful young lady in my arms. I wish I could go back to the day and wrap myself around her and hide her from the pain. I can't unfortunately, but I will do it for my beautiful daughter in place of that. And maybe, just maybe, the tightness of my embrace and the amount of love might spread to this girl as well as others feeling the pain of hate.

Attack on transgender woman

Friday, April 22, 2011

Girls are harder...

I'm sure many, with daughters, have heard this comment and I was no different when Trinity transitioned and I told my family. The only thing is now is that I've known her as a boy and a girl. Hell, I went through the terrible twos and horrific threes before she transitioned. And I'm going to be honest, I haven't seen a difference between her and her brother, Lucien. They are only 17 months apart and I am able to say, they both make me want to rip my hair out sometimes. And that brings me to say, girls or boys are not easier or harder. Kids in general are hard and sometimes easy, like, when they're sleeping.

I was once asked if I felt like Trinity would be double hard to deal with because of her split brain. Yes, supposedly she has a split brain because she's transgender. Lovely. But my answer is always the same when I hear someone say that boys are easier than girls or that girls are easier than boys. She's as hard to deal with as her brother is. And I do hate comparing children. They all suck on some days! :D

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

A little peace, means a whole lot of happiness

I have recently posted how things could be better for how we're treated by family and I guess the goddess heard our prayers because no one has given us any trouble. We've been just living happily and that's the way it should be!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Not everything IS a transgender issue

This is a vent post because I am absolutely tired of family believing that everything that I talk about with Trinity is because she is transgender. It's not. If I ask them how to deal with 7 year old tantrums (yeah, they happen. I had them myself), the last thing I want to hear is that it's because she's having trouble dealing with her confusions. Ugh! I can't take it! Think about it, if she had say, diabetes, would the first answer to my tantrum question be, "Oh, it's probably because of the diabetes causing her to be angry."? NO IT WOULD NOT! So stop making her real problems of growing up be simplified as a trans problem. That's like saying a woman is crying because she's pms'ing. Maybe she's crying because she's actually upset.

So here is my list of what not to say the parent of a transgender child:

1.  He/she are only acting that way because of their confusions. First off, transgender people are not confused because they already KNOW who they are. You mean "you're only acting this way because of YOUR confusions."

2. He/she need religion to set them straight. You need to remember 'judge not, lest ye be judged.'

3. He/she just wants attention. Well, I'm a parent, should I neglect my child?

4. The child is getting too much control. Or they're getting a mother's unconditional love.


I'm sure more can be added, but those are the ones I've heard the most and to be honest, I'm tired of it. Think before we speak huh?

Monday, February 21, 2011

The Talk

I am certain I have said this before, but it's late (1:03am to be exact) and I don't feel like going back to check. It's 2011 which for most people would mean just another year of some changes, but mostly 'same shit, different day' feelings. I almost want to say that the same could be said for me and my family, but we've had a lot of changes. We added a baby to the family, Trinity joined the 7-8 year old soccer team and she wanted the correct terminology for what society would call her and people like her.

Uh oh. It was time for The Talk and I can tell you, it was not anything I was ready for. I would have been fine with discussing sex, where babies came from and how; anything! But not that, not yet, however, there I was faced with the innocent, questioning eyes of a 7 year old who was growing more and more aware of her body each day and she wanted me, her mother, to give her the full truth. Could I do it or did I sugar coat it and use young child talk? The deep seated wisdom that I saw in her face told me that doing so would only insult her intelligence and cause bigger problems for her. No, I needed to sit her down and give her the truth. Give her the good and the bad, the pros and the cons, but most of all, give her how not only society feels about her, but how those closest to her sometimes feels about her as well. That's right, I was about to rock the very world my child stood upon and could only hope she came out of it standing with a little bit of dirt covering her.

I first started with pictures. The ones that she told me to get rid of. I kept some, I won't lie, I just hid them. I showed her these pictures, from infancy up to age 3 and said to her that she was born my son. She was born with a penis like her two little brothers. She had a different name, a name she still legally carried, a name that she ultimately thought was her middle name. She learned that her first name was in fact her middle name but to us, her brother, dad and I, it was her true name and identity. I went as far to tell her that it was not common place, but there were children and adults just like her out there in the world. I explained that despite having the body of a boy, she had the heart and mind of a girl and that was what matter most. What was between the legs did not determine gender, did not put any person into a small labeled box. It was how she felt, what made her secure, happy, and strong. And that was something that could only come in from inside.

She argued, not wanting to believe me, believe the words I was saying. Somehow, I didn't want to either, but in this world, we do not always get what we want. She asked me if there was a word for what she was and I corrected her. She was no what, she was a who. What would signify her as a thing and my children are never things, no matter what others might think or say. Quietly she sat, perhaps I was stalling a bit, considering I had fought long and hard to keep her from hearing that word, that label that I didn't feel she was. 'You are transgendered, Trinity.", the words sat like bitter dirt in my mouth. Of course she is right? She's my daughter more, but I knew she had to hear that word, to absorb it so that if it was ever flung her way, it would not shock her to the core. We watched a movie together, a documentary of a young woman who was just like Trinity, but was murdered by the hatred of fear and intolerance. It was a hard pill to swallow, but nothing compared me for the next question.

She asked me if someone might kill her for being transgendered. My heart grew heavy with the very thought of some hateful person taking my child's life but again, the truth had to come. I had to tell her that it could happen, but the chances might be slim by the time she's an adult. By that time, it could be much more accepted than it is today. I told her thinking about it was unnecessary because she was alive now and had people that loved her. She nodded, whispering the word 'transgender' over and over again, then went off to play in her room with Lucien. I was exhausted from the conversation, but was glad to have had it. Glad that she took it as well as she did. Her maturity of this matter amazes me each day and when her dad came home, she told him what she had learned. 'Daddy, I have the body of a boy, but the heart and mind of a girl. The world calls me transgender.' and she said it with pride and a smile. Her head was held high, her chest out. There was no shame in my daughter's proclamation. And as her mother and father, we too felt pride. Felt joy that she was accepting of her title.

My daughter, Trinity, she's my girl. She's my transgender girl. But more importantly, she's a new future for a world that is in need of strength, courage, and pride in the differences that make it successful.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Mohawks are for girlies too!

So, before the birth of Hyperion, I had a mohawk. I loved it and miss it. So much so, I will get it back eventually. It's totally me. Lucien also has one now and it's totally cute on him. The other day, Trinity approached me and told me she wanted her hair just like Willow Smith or Scary Spice's little girl. In other words, she wanted a mohawk. So, what did I do? Hey, I'm the mom who lets my children make their choices about their bodies.


Trinity's new 'do off to the side :D

Sunday, January 9, 2011

I won't stop loving you, even on my weaker days

Trinity,

A mom, that is what I am, but I am also a human who has her weaknesses. Yes, this is not something you want to hear and know, but I will not want to have you think otherwise. I want you to understand that weakness on my part is my way of taking time to understand more. Taking time means better awareness. Better awareness means strength in advocacy. And I do this all for you. 

Weakness is strength. And when I have my moments of weakness, when you see my tears glistening in my eyes, know, who you are is not the reason. I love you, I always will. It will never cease. You are my all. You are my heart. You are my courage. So when I have my moments of weakness, know that when I look at you, I regain my strength.

Friday, January 7, 2011

If it's taken you this long, you really have problems

My little girl will be 8 years old this October and that would make it going on 5 years that she has said she was a girl and 3 years since transitioning. When it comes to change, it takes 30 days to break a habit and adapt. I'm going to say that 3 years surpasses 30 days, yet my family still has "trouble" accepting and remembering pronouns.

I'm sick and tired of correcting, trying to make Trinity understand people make mistakes. Well no more, because these aren't mistakes, these are calculated ways of hurting her and our family. Saying things like, "Well she was pushed into this." or "Xavier, I mean..." aren't accidents after 3 LONG years.

No more will I allow this and now when it happens, I'll give them a piece of my mind and then throw them out of my house and life until you can get their act together. I am a mother to a beautiful little girl, nothing less than that. And I will be protecting her from as many negative things as possible, including those closest to her.

That is all.