Thursday, June 17, 2010

18 years old, where are you?

I think I've mentioned this before, but every time Trinity brings it up to me, it opens a fresh wound of how much I wish I had the ability to magically make her a real girl. She is special, we tell her this every day. We want her to be proud of her body, not hate it the way she did before transitioning. And yet, she still questions the differences between my body and her body. Today, I took a soak and she came in to ask me something, but stopped and looked at me. She asked, "mommy, you have a mustache on your penis." I explained that I did not have that and she corrected herself. 

It was about an hour later after going to the bathroom, that she came to me and asked when her vagina would come. I told her when she was bigger. Her face fell and she said, "I'll never be bigger soon. I need to be 18 and I'm only 6!" I feel her pain. I worry about if this new baby, once born will be a girl because of the implications of how it will affect Trinity's ever growing need to be a "real" girl.

There's only so many times I can tell her to wait until she's bigger. But soon, even I know it won't be enough. I often try to tell myself that as her mother, I CAN be able to take it all, but now I wonder, can I? I look at it through her eyes and know that if the one person that I turn to for answers, love, and support, is exactly what I was not born as, it would break a little bit of me each time I was reminded.

My Trinity, how I wish I could wave a magic wand and give you all that you want, but for now, all I have is my love, acceptance, and support. 12 years and counting I guess.

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