Monday, June 21, 2010

Your letter, From Mom

Dear Trinity,

So many moms wish for health, success, and happiness for their children. And I wish this as well for you. But, my wish goes a bit further as there are so many other things I wish I could give that I just can not. So here for you is my letter, from mom, to read when you are on your own, but needing to hear my voice.

My beautiful child, boy or girl, that never mattered to me. I wish I could take you back in to my body and use that "super mom" ability you believe I have to make you whole. I wish that when you look at me, you don't feel the need to question "when will it be your turn". I wish my words of how special you are could be enough to make you never feel an ounce of despair. 

My sweet daughter, I wish I was stronger than any of the hurtful words, the lack of support from those that you need it from most, and the tears that flow when it becomes too much. I wish I was THE mother who had all the answers and didn't fail you in the fact that your body is not what you wanted.

My Trinity, as much as I wish, all I can give you is my unconditional love, support, and advocacy. I will not stop that for all the money in the world as you were not just my gift and blessing, but also my truth into what being true to oneself really is.

Forgive me, my love, for what I can not give. But know that I will do all that I can to see to it you do get it one day.

Love forever and unconditionally,

Mom

Thursday, June 17, 2010

18 years old, where are you?

I think I've mentioned this before, but every time Trinity brings it up to me, it opens a fresh wound of how much I wish I had the ability to magically make her a real girl. She is special, we tell her this every day. We want her to be proud of her body, not hate it the way she did before transitioning. And yet, she still questions the differences between my body and her body. Today, I took a soak and she came in to ask me something, but stopped and looked at me. She asked, "mommy, you have a mustache on your penis." I explained that I did not have that and she corrected herself. 

It was about an hour later after going to the bathroom, that she came to me and asked when her vagina would come. I told her when she was bigger. Her face fell and she said, "I'll never be bigger soon. I need to be 18 and I'm only 6!" I feel her pain. I worry about if this new baby, once born will be a girl because of the implications of how it will affect Trinity's ever growing need to be a "real" girl.

There's only so many times I can tell her to wait until she's bigger. But soon, even I know it won't be enough. I often try to tell myself that as her mother, I CAN be able to take it all, but now I wonder, can I? I look at it through her eyes and know that if the one person that I turn to for answers, love, and support, is exactly what I was not born as, it would break a little bit of me each time I was reminded.

My Trinity, how I wish I could wave a magic wand and give you all that you want, but for now, all I have is my love, acceptance, and support. 12 years and counting I guess.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Year two is on its way

I can't believe it, but soon, my Trinity will be celebrating her 2nd birthday of affirmation. She is so special to us and because of her, as a family, we are slowly understanding what true courage is. But I do still wonder, what will her life be as she grows older and begins to question her body even more? I know that we will be prepared with whatever help she'll need, but it doesn't get to me still.

People tell me that we're strong, amazing, great. I honestly don't think so. I am just a parent who hates knowing that something as simple as gender identity, which is not up to the parent, can create sadness in her. Why would I want that? I understand that there will be days when she's just angry with me and I'm fine with that, hell, that's unavoidable, but it's not unavoidable to let my child live as she is and as who she is.

We're getting prepared for the big day, as money is tight, and today Trin got to get a bikini. Last year she wore a one piece because she was still uncomfortable with having her body exposed, but now, she's ready to not care. Why? Because she IS a girl, nothing other than that. Cute little pink bikini with pink flip flops that has a flower by the toe.

A princess day at the beach sounds fun and will be for us. No one needs to know what's going on between my child's legs. She will have her fun, we all will. My daughter, my Trinity.

Keep an eye out for the two year post as there will be before and after pictures of my child. This was not a made up thing as I can assure you, this is NO life any parent would force upon their child. This is not a phase. My child's depression is going to be very visible in those before pictures, but you will love the light in her face just days after being allowed to be her.