Monday, December 20, 2010

Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better!

Workshops aren't just for little boys you know. I actually took shop in high school and was the only girl there. I told this to Trinity when she started to feel ashamed that she loved building things and paper airplanes. Well, I let her know that I too enjoyed those things, that everyone enjoys those things and now, she's been learning to build airplanes and got a great building set.

This is something I've mentioned before and feel it needs repeating. A toy is a toy. The fact that companies separate toys based on gender is stupid and does a great disservice to the complexity of humanity. If your little boy wants a doll, get him one. I assure you, we have enough rough and tumble, I don't care about the feelings of others men out there and maybe a sensitivity with masculinity is what now needs to be encouraged. And if your little girl wants a Tonka truck and fireman costume, then get it! Girls can do those things when they become women too you know!

So even in this short blog post, remember, anything anyone can do, as parents, we can always encourage better. Have a happy holiday everyone!

Friday, October 29, 2010

Another year, she's 7!

On October 28th, Trinity turned 7 years of age. She had a lovely princess party, with plates and cups of pink with tiaras and glitter everywhere. Of course, she wore a princess sash, a pink tiara, matching necklace, and wand. What more could a little girl want? How about a pink themed breakfast? She was so happy that all she could say was how much she loved me and her father and how happy she was because she was becoming a big girl.

Big girl. It is interesting still to hear those words come from her mouth and still have people doubting that children could even have the possible idea that they know who they are inside. I do not think it's as hard as most say it is, it's just taboo and what we find as strange, we don't believe. Even when it's in front of our very eyes. To take that leap and clear the cobwebs of fear will lead to a life much easier than fighting to always keep the shades down.

So happy birthday Trinity. Glad you had a blast :D

The princess has arrived!

Pink princess themed breakfast

Strawberry cupcakes with cream cheese icing, pink glitter gel and white pearl candies

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

HAPPY 2ND AFFIRMATION BIRTHDAY TRINITY!!

I can't believe that two years ago, the child that doctors told me was a little boy went from my son to my beautiful daughter. It wasn't easy, but life never is, however, watching her go from the saddest little boy to a vibrant and happy little girl was worth all the trials and tribulations that came with the transition. A transition that happened to the entire family. I look forward to many more years with with Trinity.

Trinity, thank you for show us all what courage and strength truly is. Happy 2nd affirmation birthday baby.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Ballet has begun!

Now normally, Trinity is full of grins, but it was pretty chilly yesterday before dance so she has that "I'm cold, get me inside now" face. Memo to self that I remember her sweatshirt next time. This was a hard task for me, as this is a new dance school and they do not have the parents wait for the children. Instead, I dropped her off (the teacher was informed about her) and left to wait for an hour and a half.

I had to not look nervous as I didn't want to stress her out, but I felt it as I waited, yet when it was time to wait in front of the school for the little dancers, she was my last one out and the smile on her face soothed my fears about how she would fit in with the other biological girls. It's hard to believe that only a few years ago all we lived with was a very quiet, depressed little boy, but that's long gone and the beautiful, sometimes dramatic, little girl is the true child we were meant to have.

My note to parents, with or without children like my daughter, I say: As long as you have children, no matter their age, listen to them, hear them. Not only with your ears, but with your eyes and heart. Whatever those parenting books tell you what not to do, your heart will know, even if it's hard to listen to it what it has to say.


Chilly while waiting for dance to start

Friday, July 23, 2010

Why can't you accept it?

Almost 7 years of age, and came out as female at age 4 1/2 I am still very shocked that certain members of the in law family can not tell the others that they have a grand daughter NOT a grand son. Here they wonder why I do not bring the kids to them as often. I do not want her to get the disgusted stares that could have been prevented.

Is it too much to ask that if you are going to be apart of this family you should also protect my children. Especially if you tell me that you want to have they stay the weekend with you and you're in a different state than I am. I am very frustrated with this, and luckily, I am not alone.

I will be keeping an eye on this development as I have no problem taking people out of my life.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Your letter, From Mom

Dear Trinity,

So many moms wish for health, success, and happiness for their children. And I wish this as well for you. But, my wish goes a bit further as there are so many other things I wish I could give that I just can not. So here for you is my letter, from mom, to read when you are on your own, but needing to hear my voice.

My beautiful child, boy or girl, that never mattered to me. I wish I could take you back in to my body and use that "super mom" ability you believe I have to make you whole. I wish that when you look at me, you don't feel the need to question "when will it be your turn". I wish my words of how special you are could be enough to make you never feel an ounce of despair. 

My sweet daughter, I wish I was stronger than any of the hurtful words, the lack of support from those that you need it from most, and the tears that flow when it becomes too much. I wish I was THE mother who had all the answers and didn't fail you in the fact that your body is not what you wanted.

My Trinity, as much as I wish, all I can give you is my unconditional love, support, and advocacy. I will not stop that for all the money in the world as you were not just my gift and blessing, but also my truth into what being true to oneself really is.

Forgive me, my love, for what I can not give. But know that I will do all that I can to see to it you do get it one day.

Love forever and unconditionally,

Mom

Thursday, June 17, 2010

18 years old, where are you?

I think I've mentioned this before, but every time Trinity brings it up to me, it opens a fresh wound of how much I wish I had the ability to magically make her a real girl. She is special, we tell her this every day. We want her to be proud of her body, not hate it the way she did before transitioning. And yet, she still questions the differences between my body and her body. Today, I took a soak and she came in to ask me something, but stopped and looked at me. She asked, "mommy, you have a mustache on your penis." I explained that I did not have that and she corrected herself. 

It was about an hour later after going to the bathroom, that she came to me and asked when her vagina would come. I told her when she was bigger. Her face fell and she said, "I'll never be bigger soon. I need to be 18 and I'm only 6!" I feel her pain. I worry about if this new baby, once born will be a girl because of the implications of how it will affect Trinity's ever growing need to be a "real" girl.

There's only so many times I can tell her to wait until she's bigger. But soon, even I know it won't be enough. I often try to tell myself that as her mother, I CAN be able to take it all, but now I wonder, can I? I look at it through her eyes and know that if the one person that I turn to for answers, love, and support, is exactly what I was not born as, it would break a little bit of me each time I was reminded.

My Trinity, how I wish I could wave a magic wand and give you all that you want, but for now, all I have is my love, acceptance, and support. 12 years and counting I guess.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Year two is on its way

I can't believe it, but soon, my Trinity will be celebrating her 2nd birthday of affirmation. She is so special to us and because of her, as a family, we are slowly understanding what true courage is. But I do still wonder, what will her life be as she grows older and begins to question her body even more? I know that we will be prepared with whatever help she'll need, but it doesn't get to me still.

People tell me that we're strong, amazing, great. I honestly don't think so. I am just a parent who hates knowing that something as simple as gender identity, which is not up to the parent, can create sadness in her. Why would I want that? I understand that there will be days when she's just angry with me and I'm fine with that, hell, that's unavoidable, but it's not unavoidable to let my child live as she is and as who she is.

We're getting prepared for the big day, as money is tight, and today Trin got to get a bikini. Last year she wore a one piece because she was still uncomfortable with having her body exposed, but now, she's ready to not care. Why? Because she IS a girl, nothing other than that. Cute little pink bikini with pink flip flops that has a flower by the toe.

A princess day at the beach sounds fun and will be for us. No one needs to know what's going on between my child's legs. She will have her fun, we all will. My daughter, my Trinity.

Keep an eye out for the two year post as there will be before and after pictures of my child. This was not a made up thing as I can assure you, this is NO life any parent would force upon their child. This is not a phase. My child's depression is going to be very visible in those before pictures, but you will love the light in her face just days after being allowed to be her.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

M- isn't just for mom...

It is hard, remembering that time of the blue baby shower and then getting a son who ultimately, was never going to be that.

I am now pregnant with my third child, and recently, someone asked me, "are you hoping for a boy or a girl?" and I'm going to be honest, I had to laugh at the question. At one time, I would have said boy maybe, but now, I am saying, "I'll wait until they're 3!" I often get crazy looks but if they only knew!

I am more than just mom, friend, teacher to my daughter, because "M" isn't just for mom. It is also for many more and all that I can give to my child to keep her happy and full of support.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Sugar and spice and everything nice

It is in these moments that I love being Trinity's mom. She is a BIG fan of Fancy Nancy and what can I say? I love her too! The books are great, teach her to read, and the little girl is so much like Trinity, we should start calling her Fancy Trinity!

Recently, we went to the bookstore to get a new book and the staff woman asked me if my daughter (yes, no one can tell) was a fan of the cute little book and I told her yes. So she gave us an invite for their monthly Fancy Nancy gala.

She's so excited and I made her a special skirt and purse for the event. She'll get to hang out with other little girls and have tea and cookies and be Trinity.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Transgender? How about not...

My daughter Trinity is different than most little girls. How is that? Well, she is what society calls transgender. But what is she when you see her? She's a girl, a six year old little girl. Nothing more, nothing less. I chose to not let my daughter live by labels.

She already knows that she's special, but I will not, as her mother and advocate allow her to think she anyone other than just Trinity.

A few weeks ago, we watched a show on child pageants and my daughter found herself loving the dresses. She turned to me and said she wouldn't mind doing a pageant one day and see if she could get a trophy or princess crown. I said, I didn't know if the judges would let her do it and she looked at me and said, "Why not? I'm just as much a girl as they are."

I realized that, though my daughter knows that she has a certain boy part, it doesn't make her a boy. She knows that what she feels in her very heart, with every fiber of her being, she is a girl and can do anything they can do too.

My daughter is a package with the label girl, and if anyone believes otherwise about her, or other children and people like her, then maybe they are the ones that need to label themselves.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

What would YOU do?

I had an interesting conversation with my sister asking me if I thought I would ever change Trinity back to a boy and I am honest to say I was stunned. why anyone would think that a parent would purposely change their child's gender, knowing the trial and tribulations that child would face as adults.

But it allowed me to explain to her how my child was depressed, suicidal, and overall a wreck in school, with family, and friends (though she had none). And to this day, I am not ashamed of standing back and allowing my then 4 1/2 year old child to make the ultimate choice (along with therapists, pediatricians, and neurologists) of living as the little girl she kept saying she was.

My sister, and many others in my family, are still certain this is a phase, but Trinity will be 7 this year and did start living as a female before she turned 5. So, I can honestly say that this is not a phase. Especially since she had been saying she was a girl since starting preschool at 3 years of age. So in fact, it is almost 4 years of her knowing her gender.

The statement, that followed this long discussion, was "I know if it were my child, I wouldn't be able to do it." But I don't quite believe that. I've been told that as parents we're supposed to teach and guide our children, protect them from harm, etc. But you can not "teach" or "guide" gender, and if you want to protect from harm, have the thought of protecting your child from themselves also apart of that? My child was close to hurting herself, so I protected her from her own hand. I protected her from harm.

Yes, I am here to teach and guide my children. I am their mother. But I am also here to stand back and listen because sometimes, they guide and teach me. Trinity has taught me the greatest thing of all. She taught me that courage isn't just for the big and strong. But that it can come from the smallest voice and youngest soul.

So my question is, what would YOU do if faced with the situation I faced. Would you take the stand to protect and help your child, even if it hurt you or didn't seem something you could agree with? Or would you sit back and let your own fear create you own child's demise?

Saturday, January 16, 2010

What AM I?

"Mommy, am I a boy-girl?"

That was how my morning began when Trinity came to me with this question. I was taken aback, but knew that these questions would come up as she got older and started recognizing that she was indeed very much different than other little girls.

I was able to explain that there are many little girls like her out there in the world and that one day, when she was much older, she would be able to free herself of that label. I told her that she is in fact a girl and always have been. She smiled at me then, hugged me and said, "Thanks mommy, you always make it right."

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Is there ever really an end?

Being the parent of a transgender child is something that will always stay with you and I can not end this without the thought that my story could possibly help someone with questions. My daughter is my inspiration for strength. She is a true heroine in her small 6 year old body.

She had a grand Christmas, getting the dollhouse and vanity table she wanted. Which means makeup on her little brother as he has no say. It's not nearly has hard when I find an extra picture of her before her transition, and throwing it away doesn't bother me much either.

When my family shops for her, they no longer have a hard time with it as well which has made life much easier. It's good to have a strong support system when going through life with this disorder, though I still do not believe it to be one. One day she will not be in the DSM and will just be a person who is a bit different. But aren't we all?

Her brother loves her, we love her, and anyone that meets her, loves her! So welcome back to my blog. I do hope you enjoy reading my journey.