Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The true transition...

For anyone reading this blog and asking yourself, "What kind of parent does this?!" There's a simple answer, "Us and many more." But let me assure you, it is not easy. I know we certainly didn't wake up and say, "Hey, our son likes putting on dresses, lets make him a girl!" No, that is not at all how this comes to be. For any of us parents living like this.

This transition, this major metamorphosis that happens to our children is nothing compared the the change that we as parents go through. In all truth, it was never Trinity that transitioned because, she already knew she was a girl. It was her father and I that needed to take off the blinders and open our eyes. It was us who had to transition.

Never was it difficult for Trinity to put on her skirts and dresses, but to change our complete mindset when we went shopping was. It was not hard for Trinity to tell someone, "I'm a girl." or "Call me she." But for us, it was.

And you know, I didn't think I was strong enough to do it. For the longest time I had no family support. My friends were there for me yes, which I will be forever grateful, but there were some "friends" that couldn't understand. And to be honest, it still bugs me to this day to see moms, the ones that are supposed to be caring and nurturing to children, while giving a helping hand or shoulder to lean on to other moms, being so judgmental and downright disapproving of something they are not even living in.

And because of some of the negativity that I had in the beginning, I knew I wasn't strong enough. I could not possibly be. I almost caved and said, "No! You can't do this! I won't let you destroy this family!" And yet, she wasn't. She was merely doing exactly as I taught her to do. Stand up for who she was and never back down until she was heard. She was the strong one, the one who was true to herself. And it was because of her that I found the strength. The courage even to say, "Screw what you all think. You don't live here with her. You have not seen her struggle. You have not heard her cries. I will do what's best for my child, as any mother should." And with her holding me up, I transitioned.

I corrected people when they said, "He" or "Xavier". I made sure to push myself over to the girls' clothing section. And what came to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do but knew it was what she wanted. I threw away all her old pictures. Keeping only the ones of her as a baby when you could not tell if she was a girl or boy.

Yes, I mourned. As I had to bury the memory of the son I had brought into this very world. And it was hard because still around that time, I had not many people supporting me. At that time, all I was getting were questions. But when I looked to see her smile, I knew that I did in fact have something else, something better than I could have imagined. And it was through her, that I felt my own truth set in. My transition was complete and I had become not only Trinity's mother, but also her biggest advocate.

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