Tuesday, December 22, 2009

An end and the beginning

This blog has been great and I hope those that have read it learned much from our life. But now this blog is coming to an end. I am ready to let go who she was and continue living with who she is now.

Thank you again.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Who IS it about?

After having an interesting and annoying conversation today with someone, I decided to pose this question for myself and others that are possibly following this blog. Who is the transition about? Especially when the one going through it is between the ages 3-10.

Well of course, any parent is going to say everything is about their child. That they give their all to their children to make sure their happiness is met. But you know, I find that yes, it is also about you and you know what? That's perfectly fine!

I would actually be worried if some of the transition didn't affect the parent and I know it has me. Yes, some of this is about me as I carry the burden of protecting my young child from the discrimination and pain that is often flung my way by other not so accepting people. And why do I do this? Because I no longer want to see the suffering that those before have had to go through. As her mother I am to protect her. And if that means taking the brunt of fire, then I will.

The best metaphor I can use is an expectant mom. When she finds out she's going to be a mother, it's all about the baby and when the baby is born, it is STILL all about the baby. But what about the mother? All she gets is what she SHOULD be doing instead of how IS she doing.

I want those reading to know that it's about not only the child but also the parent. Because without the great support from us, all there would be is many unhappy children who will later grow up to be unhappy (just surviving) adults instead of just happy, living, adults.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Late but Happy Birthday!

So October 28th marked Trinity's 6th birthday and it was a blast! I made her a princess castle cake (my first time ever doing this) and she was princess for the day.

My child is so much happier and you can certainly see it now can't you!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Sometimes it can just break your heart

The other day, Trinity was playing princess and pirate with her little brother, Lucien. They were having a good time. While they were playing, I was having conversation with Chris. We were quietly talking about all that had changed over the past years with both our children and it just so happened, Trinity overheard us call her a boy.

She was quite upset and corrected us. And we realized, she's almost six and very much aware of things so it was time to tell her a little bit about her medical condition. We told her that when she was born, she was a little boy just like her little brother, but her heart and soul was a little girl's. She listened intently and waited until we finished then said,

"Maybe I had a boy body, but I've never been a boy."

And she ran off to play again. It's just amazing and sometimes breaks our hearts because we know that as she gets older, we will have to tell her again and again, until she finally does understand. But for now, she is just simply a little girl. No more, no less.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Indecision is one of my biggest pet peeves

It has been over a year now since Trinity's social transition and my mother and family STILL flip flop from being supportive to being doubtful that this is something really going on. It's not helpful for any of us here! I sometimes can not understand how accepting your family, no matter how different they are, is the hardest thing to do for some people, but it is.

What is really getting to me, is the question of, "what did you do that has made your child this way?" and "I think it's odd that you're the only one out of all of us in the family with this problem." First of all, it took me quite some time to realize this had NOTHING to do with me thank you very much. And secondly, she is NOT a problem nor what she is a problem.

I just want to say, you're either in or out. You can't be in the middle after a year of learning, researching, and witnessing this. Figure it out guys!

Monday, August 31, 2009

And so it begins...

Homeschooling. My newest challenge. But I know that this was the best decision we made for our children. Especially Trinity. A few days ago, we received a letter from the school with her homeroom and bus information and what did we find? N., Xavier (male) on both cards. She would have been wearing the bus card for the next week on her clothes and the older kids that would have been riding the bus with her would have made her life hell.

Of course, I was more angry about the fact that I had told them to take her out of the system. And what did I find out? That they "lost" the letter from the Department of Education and needed me to bring in my copy so they could make their own copy. Argh! But I did do this and strangely I got to meet the teacher that would have been Trinity's teacher. She kept saying "Xavier" and "He" and I kept correcting her. Finally she said that she felt uncomfortable calling an obviously male born child a female. It was right then and there I knew that this was for the best. I can't even begin to imagine the suffering Trinity would have went through and I'm glad that she doesn't have to now.

So tomorrow, we start learning and though I know it will be trial and error, it will be wonderful and my kids will thrive better than they were in school.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The true transition...

For anyone reading this blog and asking yourself, "What kind of parent does this?!" There's a simple answer, "Us and many more." But let me assure you, it is not easy. I know we certainly didn't wake up and say, "Hey, our son likes putting on dresses, lets make him a girl!" No, that is not at all how this comes to be. For any of us parents living like this.

This transition, this major metamorphosis that happens to our children is nothing compared the the change that we as parents go through. In all truth, it was never Trinity that transitioned because, she already knew she was a girl. It was her father and I that needed to take off the blinders and open our eyes. It was us who had to transition.

Never was it difficult for Trinity to put on her skirts and dresses, but to change our complete mindset when we went shopping was. It was not hard for Trinity to tell someone, "I'm a girl." or "Call me she." But for us, it was.

And you know, I didn't think I was strong enough to do it. For the longest time I had no family support. My friends were there for me yes, which I will be forever grateful, but there were some "friends" that couldn't understand. And to be honest, it still bugs me to this day to see moms, the ones that are supposed to be caring and nurturing to children, while giving a helping hand or shoulder to lean on to other moms, being so judgmental and downright disapproving of something they are not even living in.

And because of some of the negativity that I had in the beginning, I knew I wasn't strong enough. I could not possibly be. I almost caved and said, "No! You can't do this! I won't let you destroy this family!" And yet, she wasn't. She was merely doing exactly as I taught her to do. Stand up for who she was and never back down until she was heard. She was the strong one, the one who was true to herself. And it was because of her that I found the strength. The courage even to say, "Screw what you all think. You don't live here with her. You have not seen her struggle. You have not heard her cries. I will do what's best for my child, as any mother should." And with her holding me up, I transitioned.

I corrected people when they said, "He" or "Xavier". I made sure to push myself over to the girls' clothing section. And what came to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do but knew it was what she wanted. I threw away all her old pictures. Keeping only the ones of her as a baby when you could not tell if she was a girl or boy.

Yes, I mourned. As I had to bury the memory of the son I had brought into this very world. And it was hard because still around that time, I had not many people supporting me. At that time, all I was getting were questions. But when I looked to see her smile, I knew that I did in fact have something else, something better than I could have imagined. And it was through her, that I felt my own truth set in. My transition was complete and I had become not only Trinity's mother, but also her biggest advocate.

Monday, August 17, 2009

The sign is simple...

So many have wondered what we could have possibly seen to know that my child was transgendered. I've had questions from other parents who wonder about their own children.

I am here to say that there are children that may just be gender variant. Or in other words, they do not follow society's gender norms. That doesn't mean they'll be gay, that's MUCH too early to tell in young children as sexual identity and gender identity are two separate things. That being said, I will explain what it was that helped us know that our child had GID.

  1. Since American Association of Pediatrics show that a child is aware of their gender by age 3 and gender identity is stable by 4, when Trinity kept insisting she was a girl at 3 and 4, was a good sign.
  2. She became withdrawn, depressed, and anxious at 4 years. Stopped interacting with her peers in school and was overall an unhappy child.
  3. She became emotionally violent at times and became jealous of other little girls.
  4. She tried to castrate herself
There were more of course. The dressing up in girl's clothing since she was young and saying she was going to grow up to be a mommy. And because of those signs and the help of our doctors and therapists, we knew what we had to do for her. It was not about letting her get the attention she wanted, but about life and death.

If you have seen these signs in your child, maybe look into therapists that can help and research it online. If you just have a boy child that likes cooking, playing with dolls on occasion and dressing up, but knows he's a boy and has no distress over his body. Then there's a good chance he's just not following what society says he's supposed to follow. And vice versa for the girls. But hey, that's what we want for our children right? To be leaders and not followers? I know I did and I'm proud of my little girl for sticking to what she knew was right for her.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

She's sleeping and I'm up

The decision to homeschool Trinity and her little brother, Lucien was made for many reasons, but the most important: Safety. We wanted very much to send her in stealth mode this year with only the principal, school nurse, teacher, and school psychologist knowing of her transgender status, but the school suddenly wanted us to inform everyone in the staff, including the librarian! We didn't understand why they wanted this, something that could out our child and make her time at school unsafe.

So now, I am homeschooling, giving her the best chance to be around kids who are also homeschooled and she'll make friends with people who like her for her, not wonder about her because she's not society's norm.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

A year later and then some....

So it has been a full year since Trinity's social transition and I have to say that I have never realized just how unhappy she was before this. But it was not easy for us as a family to get here, even though she was perfectly fine. As parents to a Transgender child, keeping them protected from the outside that could hurt them. This means standing deep in the fire of ridicule and negativity.

However, we got through it with confidence and education. And one would think that after a year, there would be no problems that could come up that we haven't faced. Well wrong. There will always be something.

But when you are the parent of a child like Trinity, you have to be ready for it. You will have those that accept it but still feel as though you have placed your child in a situation that will bring them harm or worse, death. Then you have those that assume you are abusing your child and "made the child this way". We hear these things all the time and I know we'll hear them even when she's an adult and making her own decisions.

Yet, we welcome them because we know how happy our child has become. It is the type of happiness that when she smiles at you, all you can do is smile back and have a good day. There is no more pain in her eyes, only peace. Something I think any parent would want for their child.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Chapter 1: A strange but true beginning

This post is exactly a year old. On an older blog, I closed that one down and have decided to start a new one here. This post was written August 2008.

"It's A Boy"!

I remember those words from the ultrasound technician when she announced that my first born child would be a boy. Everyone was happy and threw a big blue baby shower for me the month before I was to have him. I remember when he was first placed in my arms and he looked at me. I remember when he was given his first toy car at the age of 12 months. He was my little boy.

What I also remember is how he enjoyed dressing up like a girl at age 17 months. I remember how he liked playing mostly with girls, dolls and cooking sets. As he got older, I watched him become more interested in what girls had on and played with. I watched as he was picked on by the boys for being a sissy. I remember holding him as he cried because he didn't understand. I remember telling him that he was special, that mommy and daddy loved him no matter what. That sometimes, people fear what they don't understand and use anger and hate to make it all better.

I remember when he started pre-K and didn't like hanging out with the boys. I remember how though he'd play with his rough and tumble little brother, sometimes he just wanted to play with his kitchen set. I remember the day he asked my husband and I if he could have a dollhouse and we said if he was good, he'd get one. He was so very good and he got his dollhouse. I remember the light shining in his eyes from pure happiness as he played with it, then that light disappear when his little brother ran over his people with a monster truck.

I remember when he was 3 1/2 and he told me that he didn't like his body. I remember him telling me he was "all wrong". I remember him asking me if he could also wear some lipgloss or blush and I would say no. I remember watching his face fall and a part of me breaking for being the cause of it. I remember trying so hard to please my family, that subconsciously I was hurting him. I remember his behavior changing. Becoming violent at times, anxious at others. But most of all, I remember his depression.

Now, he is 4 1/2 almost 5. He is aware of what is a girl and what is a boy. And still, he believes he's "all wrong". It was finally after I gathered my strength to fight back, with the aid of my husband, that we are letting our son be who he says he is. A girl. There is already negativity to this. My family thinks we're leaving him out to dry. Leaving him to the wolves. We know that things will be hard, that she will be teased, pushed, harrassed. We are prepared to protect our baby as best to our ability, all the while explaining to her that ignorant, close-minded, and cruel people will always exist whether or not she was boy or girl, because she would always be different to them in some other way. We realized, we can help guide our child through the hate that we know is there, but the last thing we want is for her to be part of the 31% that kill themselves because their families didn't listen. We will NOT be those parents.

I remember when I was told "It's A Boy" how happy I was. But I can say, as I watch my beautiful child smiling happily, loving life, and wearing a really cute outfit that no folks "It's A Girl". And I am more than happy, I am very proud of her.