|DeShanna at 14|
Dear 14 years-old me,
Right now, you don't know that you're going to be a mother one day. All that you know is that you are struggling to hold a smile because of deep seated depression. A depression you dare not express to anyone because there's no reason for it. Right now, you're questioning if living matters, if you'll get into college. If you'll succeed in life so that your future will be better than your past and present. What you're not thinking about is being a mother.
You are struggling with eating because staying thin is the only thing you control. You wonder why the friends you have even like you and you hide so many other feelings. You contemplate a future but it's often bleak and filled with unknowns. But what you never imagined was being a mother.
And how could you?
You didn't like kids. You never wanted them. You knew for certain you'd be the worst kind of mother.
My dearest 14 years-old self, I'm here to tell you, that in 8 years you will be given that child you didn't think you could mother.
And I have news for you, 14 years-old me. In four years, she'll change your world. She'll tell you she's a girl and not a boy. She'll be a transgender child.
That may feel like too much and you'll laugh incredulously at the concept that you, the depressed, faking, starving, kid hating, teenager could possibly handle such a journey.
But know this. You will. You'll fight battles and stand with her. You'll advocate and find a strength you didn't know you had. That you believe you never had. You will love her fiercely.
You will do it. Because you, the one who believes you couldn't be a mother. Any mother. You will be her mother and you are going to be just right for her.
Thanks for not giving into the darkness 14-years-old me. 36-years-old you is glad you didn't.
P.S. We have FOUR amazing children who are changing the world.